1. Don't think that you have to rush in with a solution to every problem your child has. Sometimes all that a child needs is your listening presence to figure out his or her own solution.

2. "We are responsible for the process we use in parenting, not the outcome. Our children have free will and can choose their own paths, even destructive ones. We can guide. but we can't control. Sometimes all we can do is pray." (Susan Vogt, Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference)

3. Discipline does not mean punishment. The purpose of discipline is to help your child learn to become responsible. Allow your child to experience the consequences of his or her actions. If a child chooses not to study for a test, she will get a poor grade. If he leaves his bicycle out in the yard, it may get rusty or stolen. If she does not set her alarm, she may miss the school bus. These may seem like hard lessons, but better to learn them when the stakes are low than when losing a job or having an untimely pregnancy might be the consequence.

4. Don't downplay your teen's troubles even if you think they are trivial. Teens are working on the skills they need to become functioning adults. Offer support in the form of listening. What may seem small to you may be very big to your teen. Actually this same maxim works for children of all ages.

5. "Special events can be scheduled; crises and spontaneity cannot. A year or two may pass before your child is willing to show you that secret hideout in the woods. Catching a teenager in the right mood can take longer." (Susan Vogt, Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference) Take some time today.

6. When your child has a problem and wants your help or input, and you are caught off guard, try saying 'Tell me more about that.' or 'What do YOU think you should do?' Responses like this can buy you time and clarify the situation.

7. "Consistency in discipline establishes guidelines children can learn and follow. If a parent says no to a request a dozen times, then relents and says yes, the child learns that pestering succeeds." (Marilyn S. Krock, Building a Family)

8. You don’t have to be perfect. Lighten up on yourself. Parenting is a tough job.

9. “There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other is wings." (Hodding Carter) If YOUR life is rooted in faith, let your child see it. If your child takes a different path, believe that the Spirit will take care of him or her. As a parent of adult children your job is to let go but not give up.

10. "Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing." (Albert Schweitzer) Is there a trait that you would like to foster in your child? How can you model that behavior this week in your own life?

11. “What’s so sacred about dinner? It happens every day. We face one another. We eat. We talk. It doesn’t matter that some of the talk is trivial or full of complaints. We share our day, warts and all. It doesn’t matter if the food is plain or even unappetizing. We have food. It doesn’t even matter if we come to the table angry with one another or if we get angry as a result of being together. We have to deal with the people who push our buttons – and then push beyond it. We might even find the grace to forgive.” (Susan Vogt, Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference)

12. “Next time you find the words ‘Because I said so!’ on the tip of your tongue, replace them with ‘Because I love you!’ Rather than yelling, you may find yourself thinking, It’s true, I want you to do your homework because I think it’s best for you, and I love you.” (Scott Brown, How to Negotiate with Kids…even when you think you shouldn’t)

13. “Your life is more than your work and your work is more than your job.” (from the song by the same name by Charlie King) Is your ‘job’ getting in the way of your family relationships? Both are important but as another song puts it, “Can’t buy me love.”

14. “Don’t rush to supply activities when your child whines, ‘I don’t have anything to do!’ A certain amount of boredom is a pre-requisite for creativity.” (Jim Vogt)

15. “Look at the advertisements in the paper this weekend. List ten things you don’t need.” (from the Family Memory Calendar, Diocese of Altoona-Johnstown, 814-886-5551) Free your family of unnecessary clutter and stuff.

16. Remember, your children are not a reflection of you. They are souls placed on this earth by God with their own unique purpose. Our job, as parent and guide, is to help them identify this purpose.

17. Let your children know when you see them acting responsibly, taking initiative, or being helpful. Use phrases like, ‘I appreciate that’ or a simple ‘Thank you’.

18. “A toy or experience that has been ‘longed for’ is much more appreciated. Ungrateful children usually have too much stuff.” (Susan Vogt, Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference) Don’t let guilt cause you to mistake a child’s desire for a command.

19. It’s usually easy to pray for our own children. Their needs are so apparent to us. Since October is Respect Life month, pray today, NOW, THIS MOMENT, not only for your own children, but for all children in our world, both born and unborn; for all lives that are threatened or suffering.

20. “Where you put your time, you put your life.” (Clayton Barbeau) Next week is Take Back Your Family Time Week. What are your deepest values? Does the way you spend your time reflect these? If not, why not? Take charge.

21. The bottom line of TV programming is not to entertain us but to sell us something. Entertainment is simply the vehicle. Once children (or adults) understand this, they can watch commercials with a more critical eye. This also means that as consumers we should let the networks know what programs we find uplifting and informative and which are destructive to our family life. Make purchases based on this.

22. “When my children were young, I did a lot of my praying while carpooling. There always seemed to be waiting periods.” (Marilyn S. Krock, Building a Family) What are typical waiting periods in your life? Doctor’s appointments? Red lights? Commercials? Check out lanes? Waiting for a baby to fall asleep? Use these as a prompt to pray for the people around you rather than getting impatient with them.

23. All of us procrastinate at times. Perhaps we are busy or want to avoid doing something. The Christian Family Movement has a saying that I often use to help me decide if the procrastination is warranted or an escape.
IF NOT NOW, WHEN?
IF NOT ME, WHO?
IF NOT HERE, WHERE?
Is there something that you’ve been putting off until the kids are older, the house paid for, your teeth are flossed? Relationships don’t always wait for some day or one day.

24. “When we lose our tempers, we also lose our parenting skills. We stop listening and start reacting. As I learned long ago when working with negotiators, if we want to deal well with differences, we need to deal first with our emotions.” (Scott Brown, How to Negotiate with Kids…even when you think you shouldn’t) What helps YOU calm down?

25. Next week is Thanksgiving. In the mood for a family game? Try the old I'm going to the grocery store game but substitute This Thanksgiving I am thankful for... For those who didn't grow up with this way of passing time on long car trips, you start with ‘A’ and continue through the alphabet accumulating words till you get to ‘Z’ and have 26 different thankful items. If your children are too young (or you too old) to do this individually, the whole family can recite the alphabet litany of thanks together.

26. It’s Thanksgiving weekend! By now the feast is probably over, the house cluttered with stuff or people. Or perhaps you’re traveling. In the hecticness of preparing for the holiday have you thanked God that you had a house to gather in, enough food to share, money to buy ‘stuff’ (even some non-essential stuff), family and friends with whom to share memories? It’s not too late to tell each person you see this weekend something you appreciate about him or her.

27. “Look at your junk mail or a milk carton. Pray for missing children.” (from the Family Memory Calendar, Diocese of Altoona-Johnstown, 814-886-5551) Are you missing yours? Don’t miss out.

28. “Children benefit from our ‘presence’ more than our ‘presents’”.(Susan Vogt, Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference). During this Advent ponder the tone that time with your family will take during this time before Christmas.

29. When a friend of mine was out of work his family decided to have a “moneyless” Christmas – only handmade gifts and services. It’s probably too late (and perhaps undesirable) for you to do likewise this year, but it’s not too late to think of one gift of service to do for or with your child during the 12 days of Christmas. (Examples: repair a broken toy or clean their room. Also think of serving the community together by visiting a lonely person, cleaning up a park, etc.)

2004

30. It’s over; but it’s just begun. Christmas that is. The shopping and unwrapping are probably over but the 12 days of Christmas are just beginning. Why not play a family game each of these 12 days even if one of them is just sharing jokes and riddles. A different person could choose each day.

31. On the 9th Day of Christmas my true love gave to me – 9 ladies dancing…
On this 9th Day of Christmas may I suggest that dancing is not only for ladies and that true love is not only for the engaged or newlyweds. One of the activities that most lifts my own spirits is dancing. Try it with your child(ren). It needn't be ballroom, it needn't have partners, it needn't even be good dancing. Share a dance from your childhood with your children. It could be serious or silly, from the waltz to the hokey pokey. Let them share their style of dance with you – if you dare. If you absolutely refuse to dance, take those two left feet and take a walk with a Walkman this weekend. Moving together can be joyous.

32. We must have places where children can have a whole group of adults they can trust. (Margaret Mead) Does your family have such a community?

33. Gimme, get me, I want it, I saw it on TV! This is a jingo we used to make fun of with our kids. Although TV is a frequent companion in most of our homes, we needn’t be a slave to it. Sometimes humor can help. Today, can you and your child identify one item advertised on TV that you really don’t need. Laugh together about how ridiculous it is that the advertiser presented it as a life necessity.

34. You carry out the mission of the church of the home in ordinary ways when…you pray together…You know as you gather – restless toddlers, searching teenagers, harried adults – that God answers all prayers, but sometimes in surprising ways. (Follow the Way of Love, USCCB) Looking back on the past year, can you identify a prayer that has been answered?

35. “Live beneath your means. Many people in the world don’t have a choice.” (Family Memory Calendar, Diocese of Altoona-Johnstown 814-886-5551). Let your child pick one household item that you can give away this week.

36. “It is easier to build a child than to repair an adult.” (Marilyn Krock, Caring Family Resources) Think about this the next time you’re tempted to say, “Later, dear” or “Can’t it wait”, or “We’ll do it tomorrow (or next week)”.

37. Got bully problems? Prevention tips:
1. Avoid the situation, i.e. walk home by a different route.
2. Stick together in groups with buddies.
3. Invite the bully to be part of YOUR group.
4. Develop a self confident attitude.

38. Self-deprecation can be disarming. Tell a silly story on yourself from your youth. Your child may be relieved that you made mistakes too. Teens often appreciate the role reversal. It might even generate an evening of reminiscing.

39. Christ died for us. As parents we give our lives daily for our children. Overlook one fault of your child today. (You can catch up later.)

40. Got bully problems? Action steps:
1. Calmly walk away
2. Tell an adult
3. Use “I” statements like, “I don’t agree.”
4. Use humor to deflect
5. Brainstorm other alternatives with your child.
Helpful books: Sticks and Stones by Scott Cooper, Bullies and Victims by SuEllen Fried and Paula Fried.

41. “What is the cost to society of a generation of kids who know how to run a computer program but not their lives?” (Susan Vogt, Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference) Do your elementary age children know how to keep track of their homework and commitments without your nagging? Do your teens know how manage their money and apply for a job? Coach them in these vital life skills. Yes, they can use a computer to help.

42. God spoke to St. Joseph through a dream. Did you have a dream last night? Recently? What dream do you have for your life? For the life of your child?

43. If you haven’t already, alert your children that they should tell you when ANYONE touches them inappropriately. Sexual abuse by those in positions of authority is tragic, even more so when perpetrated by clergy who hold positions of trust. Victims deserve the Church’s ongoing support, apology, and reparation. Clergy of integrity, however, are also suffering because of the sins of their colleagues. Write, call, or e-mail a minister, priest, or religious who has served you well.

44. Lent is a time of penance and purification but we needn’t walk around with sour faces. Did you do anything foolish on April Fool’s Day? Healthy families laugh together. Does your family have any running jokes? One of ours is to put a carrot down someone’s back, in a shoe, etc. You never know where it will turn up. It’s silly. It’s fun. What are your family jokes?

45. “In a family you don’t have to look very far to find your cross,” a father observes in Follow the Way of Love, USCCB. Who in your family seems to have a mission to purify YOU today, to teach you patience, to challenge your temper? What cross do you bring to the others in your family?

46. April 19-25 is “TV Turn-off Week”. Ask your family if they are up to the challenge. Surprise yourselves with non screen based entertainment. If you don’t want to go cold turkey, perhaps you could make a commitment to only watch shows the whole family can watch together.

47. Learn something from your child today. (For example: from an infant it might be to let others care for you; from a school age child it could be a tip about technology, from a teen it might be a cutting edge movie or song, from a young adult it might be an insight about relationships)

48. "Raising healthy children is a labor-intensive operation...most of what children need, money cannot buy." (The Shelter of Each Other, by Mary Pipher) Do you know your child's real needs -- or even preferences? What's his/her most valued possession, favorite color, rock group, animal, way to relax, song, hero, place in the world, virtue? What current political issue does your child care about? Check out if you're right.

49. Some children are easier to raise than others. Some parents have calmer dispositions than others. No matter how good a parent you are, however, chances are you will lose your temper sometimes. What does your child do that triggers impatience or anger in you? In the next few weeks I’ll share some temper taming tips.

50. Temper Taming Tip #1
Check your own temperature first? Maybe you’re tired after a long day or feel stressed or worried. Try strengthening your resistance. Taking a short nap helps some. (If you can nap while your child is sleeping or while a friend briefly watches your child that’s great, but many of us don’t have this luxury.) For the rest of us it might mean taking time to listen to quiet music together, waiting for a spouse to spell you, taking a bath or a walk. Experiment.

51. Temper Taming Tip #2
A child’s disobedience can trigger rage from a parent. Try pre-empting your anger with a plan. Inform your child (ideally after discussion) of what consequence will follow disobedience. For example, if she doesn’t put her toys away, you will remove them for a week. If he doesn’t abide by curfew, he will be grounded for a week. Once everyone knows the plan, don’t yell, just calmly enforce it.

52. Temper Taming Tip #3
Noise can lower your resistance to anger. If whining, TV, play, or crowds are getting too loud and on your nerves, lower the decibel level starting with your own. Call for a ‘Quiet Time Out’. For example, turn off the TV, have everyone go outside (or at least to separate rooms), ask people to whisper for 5 minutes and call it a ‘sanity game’, etc.

53. Summer Sanity Tip
Even if you have the benefit of being home with your child on summer days, sometimes constant togetherness can take a toll. Try instituting a quiet hour after lunch. Even older children who don’t need to nap can benefit from down time. They can read, play quietly in their room, listen to cicadas, or just daydream. Although they might not call it prayer, learning to have quiet reflective time is an ingredient of prayer.

54. Temper Taming Tip #4
Dawdling Part 1: Does dawdling drive you crazy? Start earlier to get your child ready to go. Impossible? Maybe you are crowding YOUR schedule too much. Discipline yourself to do less, to open up some space in your life.

55. Temper Taming Tip #5
Dawdling Part 2: If all else fails, take up your courage and calmly put your child in the car no matter what stage of dress he's in or how much crying she does. Or start dinner or your plans without your child. The secret is to keep your cool because you've agreed on the plan and consequence ahead of time. It doesn’t usually take many times.

56. Temper Taming Tip #6
Too much squabbling between siblings – or even friends? Remember the time honored, time-out technique. Calmly, serenely, separate the children. This doesn’t have to be punitive. Rule of thumb: 1 minute of time-out for each year of life.

57. How FREE are you and your children? Can you enjoy each other’s company without spending money? Can you have fun without depending on electricity? Explore free recreation this weekend. Sing and dance – or at least talk and walk.

58. Temper Taming Tip #7
The kids are just being kids, making mistakes and noise, but it’s wearing on you. You can’t slip away without risking child neglect. Pray! You can do this in short spurts, silently or softly. My mother used to whisper, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” when she was upset with us. When we heard that, we knew she meant business and we better pay attention.

59. "Strong families have roughly 20 positive comments for every negative one." (John De Frain). Other research says it takes five positives to counteract one negative. Try keeping track for one day. If your children are old enough, maybe they'd like to take part in the count.

60. Do you know the names of the people on your street? Who is home when? The more you know your neighbors, the better they can be extra eyes, ears, and a helpful hand to your children.

61. 10 Needs of Children
“Children need time and space, attention, affection, guidance and conversation…They need jokes, play and touching. They need to have stories told to them by adults who know and love them in all their particularity and who have a real interest in their moral development.” (Mary Pipher, The Shelter of Each Other) Which one are you best at giving? weakest?

62. “Not everyone is going to be a friend, but no one needs to be an enemy.” (Susan Vogt, Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference) How do you and your children deal with people you don’t like? Avoid them? Pray for them? Try to understand them? Gossip about them? Confront them? Fight with them? Other?

63. “Come up with a secret sign between you and your child that means, ‘I love you.’ It comes in handy at the bus stop or in a crowded room.” (Mimi Doe, www.SpiritualParenting.com )

64. Boredom and frustration are part of life. Let your children experience both so that they can develop the skills to overcome them.

65. “Be loyal to those not present.” (Steven R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families) This means not criticizing or gossiping about other family members behind their backs. Try to honor this loyalty today.

66. Doing labor – physical or mental – is a way of contributing to the common good of the family and society. What chores does each member of your family do? Are they fair? Are any in need of revision?

67. We shouldn’t need a terrorist attack to prompt us to voice our love to others and make amends to those we have hurt. Are there people in your life who need to hear words of love or apology from you? Do it today. There might not be a tomorrow.

68. Tape a morning prayer (or people you want to pray for) on the bathroom mirror. (Family Memory Calendar, Diocese of Altoona-Johnstown 814-886-5551)

69. Working with a child who is tired or hungry can sabotage your efforts. Take preventive measures when there is a homework project that will need your help. Of course with teens all bets are off since they seldom get enough sleep and snacks can be a delaying tactic.

70. Psychologically, negative messages are more powerful than positive ones. If you’ve been hard on yourself lately, list three things you did well today. Everyone in the family can do it.

71. "A man never stands as tall as when he stoops to help a child." (Knights of Pythagoras) Stooping and bending are perhaps done even more by women. So why aren't women taller? May this lame attempt at humor remind us all to take time for the children who sometimes pester us.

72. Some individuals are poor, some have disabilities, some are facing a personal crisis. Pick a person and walk in their shoes today. It might be a family member or someone you've heard about on the news. What's the difference?

73. Since you can't pick the time when teens are in the mood to talk, when they do open up, the parent needs to STOP and LISTEN UP.

74. "Welcoming a child, through birth or adoption, is an act of faith as well as an act of love." (USCCB, "Follow the Way of Love") If you have been blessed with a child, pray for couples who want a child but are infertile as well as for those who have an untimely pregnancy and are afraid. Bless your child today.

75. Ask where, when, and with whom when your teen leaves the house. This is not being nosy, it is caring. Cell phones are handy for safety but landlines are better for verification.

76. Parenting young children is physically demanding. Parenting teens is emotionally draining. Which is harder? Whichever you have.

77. “Taking time to rest is not a waste of time”. (Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference)

78. There are many people in our midst who quietly go about doing thankless jobs like cleaning the toilet, changing sheets, stocking supermarket shelves, picking up other people’s garbage, or working in a fast food restaurant. Thank someone this weekend for making your life easier. Your child will watch you and learn.

79. Advent is about waiting -- waiting for Jesus to come again into our midst, waiting to be old enough for certain privileges, waiting for dinner, waiting for sex. Don’t rob your child of the self-discipline of waiting by hurrying Christmas and other things worth waiting for.

80. How do you feel about the way you spend Advent and the Christmas holidays? Are you comfortable with the customs and pace you’ve adopted? Don’t be a victim. Set your own pace. Don’t be so busy being Martha that you forget to be Mary to your child.

81. We are approaching the longest night of the year, Dec. 21. Advent is about waiting in the uncertainty of darkness. Ponder the times you have waited in the dark with your child. Perhaps it was illness, or maybe fear, that kept you in vigil together. As hard as those times are, they are the stuff of the vocation of parenthood.

82. The wait is almost over. Christmas eve is a long and often hectic 24 hours for many families. Take five minutes today to be quiet, to ponder with Mary the miracle of new life, to give the gift of your non-anxious presence to your family.

2005

83. This past year has been a contentious one for our nation and world. Perhaps all years are; it just depends on where you sit. For some, the strife has been more within the family circle. Are there any fences you need to mend to start the new year with a clean slate? Forgive someone today.

84. January 6 (the 12th day of Christmas) is the traditional date of the Epiphany when the three wise men honored Jesus with gifts. When our children were young we gave three Christmas gifts – one piece of clothing, one educational gift, and one heart’s desire. Debrief what you liked (or disliked) about your gift giving this Christmas and drum up changes for next year.

85. “The most important thing that parents can teach their children is how to get along without them.” (Frank A. Clark) Teach your child a life skill this week (how to cook, pay a bill, write a thank you note, clean the toilet…)

86. Eat with the other hand today. Remember that some people have no hands or disabled hands.
Everyone’s gifts and talents are different. (adapted from the Family Memory Calendar, Diocese of Altoona-Johnstown, 814-886-5551)

87. “Being a grandparent gave me a glimpse of how God loves us. Their parents may have to dole out the discipline, but no matter how bad the grandkids might be I can overlook it and still love them.”-Patsy Caffery

88. Parenting can be all-consuming. Take time for your relationship with your spouse, a good friend, or for hobbies that have nothing to do with your child. You will feel refreshed, replenished, and more responsive to your children.

89. Don’t do anything you wouldn't teach your children to do. Is there a bad habit that you would like to strip yourself of? Perhaps Lent and your children can give you the motivation to let go of it.

90. “Prioritize all the many demands on your time by saying ‘no’ to things without feelings. So, if you have a free hour and your kitchen floor needs waxing but your teenager needs some time alone with you, pick your daughter over the floor.” (Mimi Doe, www.SpiritualParenting.com )

91. Resist the urge to buy something new this week. Have each person in the family pick one possession to give away during Lent. (Consider gently used toys, books, or hand-me-downs that need to find a new home.)

92. Where do you go to church? Perhaps it’s closer than you think. A family is “the most basic way in which the Lord gathers us, forms us, and acts in the world. The early Church expressed this truth by calling the Christian family a domestic church or church of the home.” (Follow the Way of Love, USCCB). Pray at home today.

93. “Come to me, all you who labor and are overburdened, and I will give you rest.” (Mt. 11:28) Sometimes parents need to give themselves a “time out”. If this fits you, take a break today. Believe the scripture.

94. “Families teach people to manage pain. Much of the terrible craziness in the world comes from running from pain.” (Mary Pipher) Who in your family, nuclear or extended, seems to be hurting the most these days? Stand with them.

95. “Humility is the virtue of parenthood. It usually comes unbidden after the pride of being the perfect parent is punctured by our children’s honesty and raw edges.” (Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference) Not all suffering is physical. How have your children purified you?

96. Laughter, when shared, is a healing balm. Share jokes today. Does your family have any stories about family foibles that get repeated over and over at family gatherings? It doesn't matter that it's embarrassing, it becomes family mythology. Ours has to do with a baked potato that someone sat on. What's yours?

97. How big is your family? Who lives farthest away? Who haven't you heard from in awhile? Reconnect with a family member this week.

98. "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." (Nikka - age 6) Who is it hard for you to love these days? Just for today, try to think positively about that person.

99. Family discussion starter: Imagine being present at the creation. Which creation day is your favorite: light, the sky, the earth and vegetation, the sun and moon, birds and sea creatures, animals, humanity, a day of rest? (adapted from the Family Memory Calendar, Diocese of Altoona-Johnstown, 814-886-5551)

100. If you want someone to change, encouragement is more effective than criticism. Look for one thing about your child's behavior that you can praise today. This is often easier with toddlers. With older children perhaps you'd like to experiment with sending an e-mail or IM. Use their medium to connect. 101. “In the end, you can only teach the things that you are.” (Max Learner) Is there a habit you would like to nurture in your child? Work on yourself first.

102. “Speaking in tongues” is not about magic but rather sending a message to another. Sometimes words are unnecessary. Consider how parents communicate with babies nonverbally or through tone of voice. But words help clarify the message. Learn a word in a foreign language or sign language this weekend. If need be, find a foreigner to help you.

103. Do something extra for your faith. Consider attending a religious service of a different faith tradition. You may not only learn about God through different eyes, you will probably come away with a new appreciation for your own faith community.

104. “Love doesn’t mean always rescuing someone from mistakes and foolishness. Tough love helps children face the realities of cause and effect.” (Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference) Parents need to cultivate the courage and stamina to withstand whining and pleading. Let the consequence be the teacher. It’s tough, I know.

105. Teach your child a virtue today, but do it without talking. Let your actions speak. Consider charity, joy, peace, patience, kindness, or generosity.

106. “To respect myself, to affirm others, and to avoid uncaring criticism, hateful words, physical attacks and self destructive behavior.” (Family Pledge of Nonviolence, #1, www.ipj-ppj.org) Discuss whether it would be possible for your family to say “yes” to this part of the pledge.

107. What does it mean to be a good father? Protection? Caring? Wisdom? Laying down your life for your child? Remember your own father. He was probably good at many things, weak or absent in others. Take the good and pass it on. Let go of the rest. “As ye judge, so will ye be judged.”

108. Tired of nagging and whining? Try running a RACE instead. Nagging and whining usually happen because the child or parent doesn’t do what’s wanted. Let the consequence be the reminder. Watch for the R-A-C-E steps to reduce nagging in your home over the next four Parenting Pointers

109. Instead of NAGGING, run a R-A-C-E. (Part 1)
R – Agree to a RULE. What expectations do you have for doing chores, homework, driving, media, going to church. Make the rule specific and fair.

110Instead of NAGGING, run a R-A-C-E. (Part 2)
A – AGREE. If your child is old enough to participate in the making of the rule, negotiate something you can both live with. For example, if YOU want the rule to be “no clothes on the floor,” maybe you could compromise to “no clothes on the floor by bed time.” Rules work best when both parties have a say.

111. Instead of NAGGING, run a R-A-C-E. (Part 3)
C – Agree to a CONSEQUENCE. This is the key. The consequence can be natural or logical; a reward for good behavior or loss of privilege for an infraction. It must, however, be something that will consistently follow.

112. Instead of NAGGING, run a R-A-C-E. (Part 4)
E – Enforce/Evaluate. Once you and your child have agreed upon a consequence, no (or few) words need be spoken. If the consequence requires your enforcement you must calmly follow through. If the negative behavior continues, evaluate together whether a different consequence would be more effective.

113. Instead of NAGGING, run a R-A-C-E. (Part 5)
The silent W – Write it down. RACE has no “W” but children are geniuses at wheedling out of consequences. It’s their job. If your child is old enough to read, write the rule and consequence in simple language. If necessary, draw pictures.

114. “To share my feelings honestly, to look for safe ways to express my anger, and to work at solving problems peacefully.” (#2, Family Pledge of Nonviolence, www.ipj-ppj.org) Could your family say “Yes” to this? World peace starts with teaching children the skills of conflict resolution.

115. On the seventh day God rested. Have you and your family had any refreshing rest this summer? If not now, when? Enjoy a day of no work beyond what is needed to eat and be safe.

116. “Parents aren’t the only influence in their kids’ lives, so they need to be the best, the loudest, the clearest and the closest.” (Dr. Phil McGraw) Many parents don’t have a problem with the “loud” part, but being clear without catching diarrhea of the mouth can be a challenge.

117. In disciplining a child, take away wants not needs. Thus dessert, TV, toys, driving, video games are wants or privileges. Nutritious food, warm clothes, time for homework, transportation to school, access to loving relatives, a safe environment, and nurturing spirituality are human needs. Taking away a teen’s cell phone is not cruel punishment; it is a privilege they earn.

118. A bored child doesn’t have enough to do. If you child complains of nothing to do, don’t rush to supply entertainment. Certainly there are jobs that you need help with. Joining your child in honest labor can take more time, but your family IS your job.

119. “We measure every policy, every institution, and every action by whether it protects human life and enhances human dignity, especially for the poor and vulnerable.” (Sharing Catholic Social Teaching, 1998) As parents we are like giants to our young children who often feel small and vulnerable in our presence. How does the way you discipline your children respect their dignity?

120. When our children are successful and getting all A’s in school it’s natural to be proud of them. Be careful of taking the credit for their success, however, lest you also have to take blame for their failures. Don’t live your life through your child. Your success as a parent does not depend on how your child turns out.

121. Moses had his relatives; Jesus had the apostles; even the Lone Ranger had Tonto. Do you have a community of friends and relatives who can back you up, spell you, and support you in your parenting? Look for adults who share your values at soccer practice, scouts, academic teams, PTA’s, church…

122. Teach your child a value this weekend but do it without saying a word. Consider faithfulness to a promise, self-control, goodness, gentleness, modesty, chastity. Which of these fruits of the Holy Spirit is the biggest challenge for you?

123. When you first saw your new born child you probably had an instinctive awe and desire to protect this new life. Extend that respect for life to others who are weak or powerless in our society – unborn babies, handicapped persons, the poor, the elderly, even those on death row. Each human life is precious.

124. Babies and toddlers cry – a lot! It’s their way of talking. How do you know when to respond and when to ignore crying? Until a child is one year old, the rule of thumb is to always respond. Even if they are not hurting, they may need your comfort. Sometimes we parents need to cry out to God for help too.

125. After age one, crying can still be an important warning, but it can also be manipulative. Is your child hungry, hurt, afraid, or sick? Of course the responsible parent responds – no matter what the hour or the football score.

126. Is there such a thing as a “false cry” from a child? For infants crying is a matter of survival, but as children get older some crying can be manipulative. All cries are a cry for attention but if the child just wants to have his or her own way, sometimes the best way to respond is to ignore the cry or call a time out for whining. (See 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan)

127. Children can train their parents to give them what they want by throwing a tantrum. No one likes to hear a child cry so often it’s easier to just give them the candy, toy, or their way so they will be quiet. Unfortunately the child learns that if he or she just screams and kicks long enough, the parent will give in. If it’s a safe place, ignore the tantrum. If this is impossible, firmly – BUT WITHOUT ANGER – hold the child as long as necessary.

128. The simplicity movement promotes the day after Thanksgiving as “Buy Nothing Day. Celebrate this day by playing games, telling stories, singing, etc. as a family. Even if you still buy stuff on other days, this is a way to honor the spirit of home-made entertainment. Try it. You might find it becomes a new family tradition.

129. “It takes a certain quantity of time to catch the quality times. The time it takes to listen to a child’s worry may take less than a minute. Being there when the worry comes up may involve an entire day of just being around.” (Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference.)

130. “To listen carefully to one another, especially those who disagree with me, and to consider others’ feelings and needs rather than insist on having my own way.” (#3, Family Pledge of Nonviolence, www.ipj-ppj.org) Could your family say “Yes” to this? World peace begins at home.

131. Longing for something makes it more precious. Although our culture has already started celebrating Christmas, Advent is the holy season of waiting and preparing for Christmas. Teach your children little lessons in patience by waiting to eat till everyone is served, waiting to speak until the other is finished, waiting to open presents till Christmas. Parents can practice waiting in traffic or in the lines at stores. Pray while you wait.

132. Thanksgiving and Christmas are traditionally times when young adults return home and blended families regather in unique and complicated ways. As joyous as these times can be they often are also times of stress as the family system gets reshuffled. If there was tension at Thanksgiving, think of ways to get out of the power struggle at Christmas. If your family is perfect, work on letting go of pride.

133. “Mary, do not be afraid.” (Lk 1:31) “How can this be, since I have no knowledge of man?” (Lk 1:34) “Her husband Joseph, being an upright man and wanting to spare her disgrace, decided to divorce her informally.” (Mt1:19) Reflect upon the circumstances of the birth of each of your children. Perhaps retell them their birth or adoption story.

134. The wait is almost over. Christmas is almost here. In many families, the stress and excitement level is also high. Try taking five minutes to sit in the dark with your child with just the light from a candle (or the four Advent candles). You needn’t say anything, just wait in silence, ponder the reason for the season, and decompress.

135. As this year closes, reminisce highlights from 2005 with your child(ren). What made them most happy, sad, angry, and afraid? Share your own feelings also. Is there anything either of you want to change in 2006?

2006

136. On the feast of the Epiphany, the wise still seek Him. Tradition tells us that the magi brought valuable gifts to Jesus. What gifts of wisdom can you give your child? A lesson learned from your childhood? A proverb that steers your life? A virtue to which you've struggled to be true?

137. "To apologize and make amends when I have hurt another, to forgive others, and to keep from holding grudges." (#4, Family Pledge of Nonviolence, www.ipj-ppj.org) Could your family say "Yes" to this? World peace begins at home.

138. Children often criticize, and make fun of others. So do their parents. Check yourself against these three criteria: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If not, it's probably fault finding or gossip.

139. "Seeing one bad movie, watching an occasional violent TV program, or trying out a violent video game is not generally going to scar a person for life. A steady diet of the above, however, desensitizes our society, our families, and ourselves to violence - and the ante has been rising." (Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference)

140. Don’t “cry wolf” with your children. They need to know that when you say there will be a punishment for something – and they do the forbidden act anyway – that you will follow through. (Of course don’t threaten to do something outlandish like grounding them till they’re 21 either.)

141. Help your child “Go for the gold” but search for the silver – lining that is. When something goes wrong, think of how it might have been worse or how some different good will come out of it. For example, if a child breaks a toy, after the sadness can come gladness if it forces your child to seek out some forgotten toys.

142. An ache here, a pain there; an angst or an annoyance. What to do? Offer it up. It’s a traditional spiritual practice and may sound trite but offering up our troubles as a prayer can redirect our energy away from our own gloom to the good of another. Who would you offer up your problems for today?

143. “God Bless you” is not just for sneezes. Bless your child today. (Go to the Enrichment activity at www.SusanVogt.net/EnrichmentEx.htm for ideas.)

144. (Lent) Spiritually Lent is a time to take stock of our lives, see what we can live without and notice who needs our help. Clean out a closet. Clean out your soul – consider if it’s time to make a confession. Does your child know how to make an examination of conscience? Do you?

145. (Lent) Although we should respond to those in need all year round, Lent can be a time when parents teach their children about the 7 Corporal Works of Mercy. The first two are to feed the hungry and give drink to the thirsty. Of course as parents you do this for your family every day, but what about eating more simply during Lent (Google Operation Rice Bowl) or serving at a soup kitchen.

146. (Lent) The 3rd Corporal work of Mercy is to clothe the naked. Although teens may clamor that THEY need more clothes, or worse, that the naked body is beautiful so why can’t they bare their midriff at school, taking usable clothing to Goodwill or St. Vincent de Paul can be a Lenten outing.

147. (Lent) The 4th Corporal Work of Mercy is to shelter the homeless. This might be hard for most families to do without extra bedrooms, but consider if your community or school has given refuge to any Katrina victims? Giving hospitality to travelers, or perhaps even stretching the concept to giving a stray dog a safe home, can count.

148. (Lent) The 5th Corporal Work of Mercy is to visit the imprisoned (or as older translations say, “ransom the captive”). Of course children are not allowed in prisons, but the family can correspond with inmates as ours did or consider visiting the elderly imprisoned by fear and unable to get out by themselves.

149. (Lent) The 6th Corporal Work of Mercy is to visit the sick. We get so busy when we’re healthy that it’s easy to forget those who are not able bodied. And what about those who suffer from invisible illnesses like depression and other mental illnesses. Signing a “Get well card” or tagging along as a parent visits a sick friend are things that even young children can do. Do you know anyone who is sick this week?

150. (Good Friday) The 7th Corporal Work of Mercy is to bury the dead. Of course this usually cannot be planned ahead unless it’s capital punishment as we see in Christ’s crucifixion. Where did these Works of Mercy come from? Common sense, a compassionate heart, and Matthew 25:31-46. Can you tell the difference between a sheep and a goat?

151. (around Earth day – mid April) “To treat the environment and all living things, including our pets, with respect and care.” (#5, Family Pledge of Nonviolence, www.ipj-ppj.org) Could your family say “Yes” to this? Celebrate Earth Day by using less plastic and disposables for a day, maybe even for a week, maybe forever. The less we consume the world’s resources the less we will fight over who gets what. World peace begins at home.

152. “Even if we are not called to sell all that we have (Luke 18-22), we probably are called to not buy everything that it is possible to buy.” (Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference)

153. “The families of migrants, especially in the case of manual workers and farm workers, should be able to find a homeland everywhere in the church.” (Familiaris Consortio) Does your family know any current migrants from another country? Consider inviting their children to play with yours.

154. (For Mother’s Day) If you are a mother, hopefully your child(ren) will honor you on Mother’s Day. Think also of your own mother and how your life honors her. And then there are mothers who come by their role indirectly (foster and adoptive mothers, mothers-in-law, stepmothers, and those who have been like a mother to you.) Honor an honorary mother this week.

155. “Maybe Cain wouldn’t have killed Abel if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.” (Larry, age 7) Sometimes changing the environment solves parenting problems.

156. “Come to me, all you who labour and are overburdened, and I will give you rest.” (Mt 11:28) You may not need this scripture right now, but if you’re a parent you’ll need it sometime, maybe daily. Hang on to these words of comfort when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

157. As vacation begins for most students, a “summer job jar” can be a sanity strategy. Write about 50 simple jobs on slips of paper and put in a jar. Each weekday your child picks one and has to do it before dinner. See June Enrichment Activity for more details.

158. Another summer sanity strategy: Consider instituting a “quiet hour” each day, (perhaps after lunch). Children go to a bedroom to nap, read, play quietly, or daydream. They don’t have to sleep, but you might want to.

159. (Father’s Day) If you are a father, hopefully your child(ren) will honor you on Father’s Day. Think also of your own father and how your life honors him. And then there are fathers who come by their role indirectly (foster and adoptive fathers, fathers-in-law, stepfathers, and those who have been like a father to you. Honor an honorary father this week.

160. “Include your children in conversations instead of talking over their heads. Often we assume that our kids can’t understand what we are discussing with other adults and talk as if they are invisible. Respect your children and when appropriate bring them up to speed in conversations.” (Mimi Doe, Spiritual Parenting)

161. Travel can be draining with kids but it can also be uplifting and increase our global awareness. Whether it’s 20 miles or 2,000 miles you meet people with different life stories. Take the time to listen to strangers along the way of your summer travel. Pray for them and the needs of the towns or region you visit.

162. Give your child an allowance if you like, but don’t pay children for doing common household chores. After all, nobody pays you to fix dinner or cut the grass. Being part of a family means that everyone, children included, pitches in to help. Contributing is part of belonging.

163. “We offer plenty of unsolicited advice to our kids as they're growing up – and to our surprise, sometimes they even take it! Once they're grown, though, it can be hard to hold our tongues. Try these three things: 1. Don't offer advice unless you're asked. 2. Don't be critical of decisions made by your children or their spouses. 3. If they do ask your opinion, say, ‘Here's how I'd do it...’ rather than, ‘Here's what you should do.’" (Family Minute by Mark Merrill)

164. "Dear God, thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy." (Joyce, age 6) We don't always get what we pray for; Thank God. Is there something you fervently prayed for and later discovered your prayer was answered in a better way?

165. You don't have to be on vacation to take photos. Try getting the family together for a silly pose. Send it to out of town relatives by e-mail or snail mail.

166. Since before Cinderella, stepparents have had a bad rap. In some cases it may be deserved but most often they play a precarious role, trying to love as a true parent but often unsure of their job. If you have a stepchild, listen and wait to be accepted. If you don't, pray for those in step relationships this week.

167. "Be careful how you express your most dearly held values to your children. Because of the strength of these convictions, parents sometimes impose them rigidly and in an extreme way on their children." (Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference) Yes, share your faith, values, love of sports, music… with your children, but listen too.

168. As summer winds down and many parents' thoughts turn to school, prepare your child by talking about bedtime and morning routines, hopes for the year, and safety tips. Perhaps the wedding adage, "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue" can bring comfort, excitement, frugality, and fun to the start of the school year.

169.