For
Couples - May 2008
COUPLE FUN: PLAY TIME OR WASTED
TIME?
You are probably courting
or married because you enjoy having fun together. With
time, however, interests can change or we can just get
busy about life and not take the time to recreate together.
Check your “Play Quotient” to see if you’re
in the same ball park.
Recreation Preferences:
When it’s time to have fun
I prefer:
My spouse
prefers:
1. Indoor
Either
Outdoor Indoor
Either
Outdoor
1
2
3 4
5 1 2
3 4
5
2. Sedentary
Either
Physical
Sedentary Either
Physical
1
2
3 4
5
1 2
3 4
5
3. Solitary
Either
Groups/Teams
Solitary
Either
Groups/Teams
1
2
3 4
5 1 2
3 4
5
4. Cooperative
Either
Competitive
Cooperative Either
Competitive
1
2
3 4
5 1 2
3 4
5
5. Intellectual
Either
Brainless
Intellectual
Either
Brainless stimulation relaxation stimulation relaxation
1
2
3 4
5
1 2
3 4
5
6. Spectator
Either Participative Spectator Either
Participative
1
2
3 4
5
1 2
3 4
5
For Discussion:
7. How much fun do you get per hour:
How may hours per week do you typically
spend recreating by yourself? _____
(include fitness regimens, playing
computer/video games, etc.)
How many hours per week do you spend
recreating with your spouse? _____
If you have children, how many hours
do you spend recreating with them? _____
8. How much fun do you get per dollar:
Is cost a factor in what kind of
recreation you choose?
Is it worth it?
9. Couple time vs. individual time:
Does your spouse spend a lot of
time (more than one night a week) doing a hobby or
recreation that you don’t
share?
10. What’s your favorite way to relax together?
SCORING:
+1 point for each Recreation Preference in which you
and your spouse differ by no more than 2.
+1 point for each correct prediction of spouse’s
response (within 1 point)
+5 points for 6-15 hours of couple recreation per week
–5 points for less than 5 hours or more than 15
hours of couple recreation (unless you’re retired)
+5 points if you share two or more hobbies
–5 points if you don’t share any hobbies
–3 points if either of you regularly spend more
than one night a week recreating apart from the family
Total points:
0 – 5 points: Take a break. You are at risk for
being a dull, over-worked mate.
6 – 15 points: Is your job so much fun that you’re
counting it as play? Unless you’re retired, consider
that you may be focused too much on your own pleasure.
Look for ways to serve others during your discretionary
time.
16+ points: You probably have a healthy balance of fun,
family, and work in your life.
BONUS questions for
discussion:
Humor:
The kinds of thing that makes me laugh are:
Jokes, my own foibles, practical jokes, puns, comics,
_______________________________
When “Whatever you
want to do, honey” is not really true, I'd rather:
A. rent a movie
B. go to a movie theater.
A. go to a play, concert, dinner B. stay home and
play cards, a game, or watch TV
A. watch a sport B.
play the sport
C. do something unrelated to sports
BACK
TO TOP
For
Couples
IS
YOUR MARRIAGE FINANCIALLY SOUND?
OR ARE YOU HEADED FOR RELATIONSHIP BANKRUPTCY?
1. Rate yourself
according to your natural inclination to spend money:
Tightwad Frugal Neutral Generous Spendthrift
1
2 3 4 5
Rate
your spouse:
1
2
3 4 5
2. Rate your ability
to put money into savings:
1
2
3
4
5
Rate
your spouse's ability:
1
2
3
4
5
3. Circle the phrase
that best describes your shopping style:
A. Utilitarian (I go, I buy, I’m out.)
B. Laissez-faire (When I see something I like, I buy
it. I don’t plan for it, I just follow my whim.)
C. Bargain Hunter (I check the ads. When something’s
on sale, I snatch it, stock up.)
D. Therapy (When I’m in a blue mood, buying something
helps me feel better.)
E. Recreation (I like to window-shop. I can spend hours
shopping alone or with friends.)
Star the phrase
that you think best describes your spouse.
4. Agree/Disagree?
Separately mark if you Agree (A) or Disagree (D) with
each of the following statements.
A. It’s important to be frugal and thrifty with
our money regardless of how much we make.
B. I think that we should have a new car at least every
five years.
C. I’d rather put money into a house than take
a vacation or other recreation.
D. I prefer to handle paying the bills.
E. It’s best to maintain separate checking or
savings accounts.
F. It’s OK to keep some “treat” money
that my spouse doesn’t know about.
(to treat myself or buy a surprise for my spouse)
G. I think it is O.K. to maintain a balance due on a
credit card.
H. I think that we should pay cash for all purchases
except a house or a car.
I. I think that a portion of every pay check should
be saved.
J. If money is tight, I would only buy insurance that
is legally required, i.e. car & mortgage
insurance.
K. I think it is O.K. to gamble, so long as I don’t
use the grocery money.
L. I think it is O.K. to ask our parents for financial
assistance.
M. I think it’s important to have one parent at
home when our children are young.
N. I think that we should make regular gifts to charity.
O. I think it is O.K. to fudge on our tax return; everybody
does it.
Compare answers with your
spouse. Was your assessment of each other in questions
1, 2, and 3 accurate? Discuss the items you disagreed
on in question 4.
It’s not necessary
to have the same spending habits, but it is important
to know where you differ (especially if either of you
are 1’s or 5’s on the continuum) since that
is likely an area of tension between you. Sometimes
differences are healthy since one spouse’s desire
to save might “save” the marriage from financial
recklessness. But it doesn’t mean there won’t
be arguments about it.
SCORING:
Questions 1 and 2:
____ total of your own ratings for Questions 1 and 2
(out of a possible 10 points)
____ total of your spouse’s ratings for Questions
1 and 2 (out of a possible 10 points)
If your totals are separated by:
• 3 or fewer points, you are very financially
compatible, but check to see if your similarities are
at the extremes since being too much alike can cause
problems. Two tightwads may need to loosen up and spend
some money having fun together. Two spendthrifts may
need to cut up their credit cards or work with a financial
counselor to develop a realistic budget.
• 4 – 6 points, you’re on the same
wavelength and hopefully balance each other out
• 7 – 8 points, better see a financial or
marriage counselor before you end up in bankruptcy or
divorce court.
Question 3:
Discuss
Question 4 (Agree/Disagree):
____ total statements for which you gave the same answer
(except D)
If you agree with each other on:
10-15 statements, you have open communication about
financial matters and similar financial values
5-9 statements, you urgently need to discuss the items
you have different opinions about.
1-4 statements, a consultation with a credit or marriage
counselor is long overdue. Make an appointment today.
Contact: www.nfcc.org,
for credit counseling or your local
family life office for a referral to a marriage
counselor.
BACK TO TOP
For Families - March
2008
COUCH POTATO CRITICS
Adapted
from Just
Family Nights
YOU
WILL NEED:
TV. VCR, or DVD player plus the TV schedule or an interesting
movie.
In advance, review the TV schedule and choose a show
(or pick a movie) that has an issue or theme that might
lend itself to discussion
TREAT:
Popping a big bag of popcorn to eat during the show
can set the mood for an evening of sharing.
PRESENTATION
OF THEME:
The leader gives a brief description of the show's theme
and what to watch for.
FAMILY
RESPONSE/ACTIVITY:
Network television is very nice to provide convenient
breaks (also known as commercials) during which the
family can discuss things. During commercial breaks
discuss how the theme is being shown in the characters
or through the plot. (Use the remote control to mute
the sound to avoid distraction.) The following options
might help get the discussion going:
OPTION
1:
Each person can select a character to be during the
first commercial break. Watch how your character is
affected by the issue being addressed. How does your
character feel? What are your concerns, fears, joys
etc? After the show the family might even want to stay
in character for awhile and make up an alternative ending
to play out.
OPTION
2:
Each person can imagine that they are the writer/director
and try to guess what might happen at the end of the
show. It is interesting to compare these predictions
with how the actual plot unfolds.
DISCUSSION:
One suggested show is Star Trek: The Next Generation.
It addresses many of today's issues in a non-threatening
and interesting way. Even teenagers can get interested
in it. Furthermore, Star Trek is in syndication
so reruns can be found on almost any night.
Note:
The leader must be prepared to redirect the discussion
if the theme turns out to be something different than
expected. It is okay to shift to another theme or another
show if necessary.
Related
Scripture if desired: Sirach 6:33
Activities
are simplified adaptations from Just Family Nights. Susan
Vogt, ed. Brethren Press, Elgin, IL: 1994. See original
book of 60 family nights for age adaptations, more readings,
activities, songs, recipes, and background.
BACK
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For
Families
MARTIN LUTHER KING and KWANZAA aren’t just for
Blacks
Adapted
from Just
Family Nights
YOU WILL NEED:
• Summary of Martin Luther King's life. (Check
the internet or library.)
• Strips of red, green and black paper, ribbon,
or yarn cut in 4"- 6" lengths, (2-4 per family
member).
• Kwanzaa kinara (candleholder) with a red, a
green and a black candle. (Candle alternative: place
three candles in candle holders and attach a piece of
ribbon, yarn, or strip of red, green, or black paper
around the bottom.) Place in the center of the table.
• A single candle to be used for the opening and
to light the others.
OPENING:
Light the single candle and turn off a few lights. Enjoy
the glow and discuss briefly what candlelight does to
darkness. With young children sing a few verses of This
Little Light.
PRESENTATION OF THEME:
This Family Night uses the symbols of Kwanzaa* (an African
American celebration of values) to commemorate the life
of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., a great African American
who taught people of all races about freedom and equality.
Dr. King's birthday is observed on the third Monday
of January. We honor Dr. King annually in order to remember
the important things that he taught.
Kwanzaa is observed December 26 - January 1 each year.
In celebrating Kwanzaa, African Americans and others
are reminded of their history and struggle. Kwanzaa
is a time to keep African American families strong,
to encourage people to work together for the good of
all people, and to picture a prosperous future for African
American children. All of these things were also important
to Martin Luther King.
READING:
Read a story about or a speech by Martin Luther King.
As you read about his experiences, tell how you may
have felt, or what you might have wanted to do, if you
were in his place.
AND
Matthew 5:9-12, 14-16.
Talk about how these verses relate to the life of Dr.
King. In what ways did he bring light into his world?
How did he let his light and the light of God shine?
What happened to him as a peacemaker?
FAMILY RESPONSE/ACTIVITY:
Give an equal number of paper, yarn or ribbon strips
to each person present. As each kinara candle is lit,
a family member reads the appropriate introduction below,
After each candle is lit, take turns telling a way in
which Dr. King lived the words which were read placing
the strips of paper, ribbon, or yarn at the base of
the candle.
Reader #1: "We light
the black Kwanzaa candle to remember that Dr. King worked
to create 'UMOJA'- unity in the family, community, nation,
and race."
Take turns naming things which Dr. King was able to
change for people, such as desegregation of buses.
Reader #2: "We light
the red Kwanzaa candle to celebrate the 'KUUMBA'- creativity
with which Dr. King worked to make his community and
the world a better place."
Tell unique ways in which Dr. King helped people to
do that, such as creative ways of protesting without
using violence.
Reader #3: "We light
the green Kwanzaa candle to remind us to keep our 'IMANI'-
faith, as Dr. King encouraged us to hold onto our dream
for ourselves and for our future."
Name some rights and values which Dr. King believed
belonged to all people.
NOTE TO LEADER: These are
only three of the seven principles of Kwanzaa. If time
and interest warrant, the other four principles could
be used in like fashion.* Conclude by each person choosing
a colored strip and telling a way in which he or she
will follow the example set by Dr. King. Keep the strip
to remind you to follow through on your commitment.
Close by holding hands and
singing: We Shall Overcome
TREAT:
Share red, green and brown M & M's. (Red and green
fruit or vegetables could be served as an alternative.
For example, slices of red and green apple or cherry
tomatoes and broccoli flowerettes.) Mixing all the colors
of food together signify how Dr. King felt that people
of the world should be able to live together in harmony.
The taste of the candy emphasizes the sweetness of achieving
King's goals. Although each piece of candy is a different
color on the outside, inside they are all the same.
Color should not be used to determine the core value
of a person.
AGE ADAPTATION:
For pre-schoolers, focus more simply on the concept
of light. Light the candle and talk simply about some
of the ways Dr. King shone as a light. Light can help
us to see in the darkness. Dr. King helped many people
to see that everyone should be treated equally and fairly,
regardless of the color of his or her skin.
Deepen this experience with teenagers by discussing
a few more questions:
• In what ways did Dr. King die for an important
cause?
• In what ways did Dr. King die in vain?
• How would your school be different if everyone
valued what Dr. King worked to achieve?
• In what way or ways would you be different if
you acted on Dr. King's beliefs?
Activities
are simplified adaptations from Just Family Nights.
Susan Vogt, ed. Brethren Press, Elgin, IL: 1994. See
the original book of 60 family nights for age adaptations,
expanded reading, activities, songs, recipes, and background.
* For more information on Kwanzaa, see Just Family Night,
Theme #60.
BACK
TO TOP
For
Couples
ARE WE WALKING WITH THE SAME MORAL COMPASS?
Couples don’t have
to always agree on what color to paint the kitchen but
disagreeing on when to have a baby or whether both spouses
should work outside the home are decisions of values
and conscience. If it’s a matter of morality,
the rule of thumb is to not violate the more restrictive
conscience. If this becomes a pattern, however, check
for scrupulosity.
Circle the number that
best reflects how much your care about the following
moral issues:
Don’t care Somewhat Important
Very Important
1 2 3 4 5
1. Attending religious
services religiously, i.e. weekly. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
2. Raising our children
in faith. 1
- 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
3. Have our children attend religious schools
even if it’s a financial hardship. 1
- 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
4. Having our children
attend a religious education program if they don’t
go to a religious school.
1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
5. Donating a portion
of our income (ideally a tithe of 10%) to charity. 1
- 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
6. Planning our family
in accordance with church teaching. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -
5
7. Having one parent
at home while the children are young. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4
- 5
8. Paying our legitimate
taxes even if others do not. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
9. Caring for the environment
by doing things like recycling, avoiding excessive packaging,
minimizing car use, composting… 1 - 2 - 3 - 4
- 5
10. Taking good care
of my physical health through eating nutritious foods,
exercising, not smoking, and avoiding excessive alcohol
or drugs. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
11. Living simply, avoiding
undo consumption and a luxurious lifestyle. 1 - 2 -
3 - 4 - 5
12. Live within our means.
If our means are great, then our moral responsibility
is to use our excess to help others. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -
5
13. Being responsive
to my spouse’s requests for sexual intimacy. 1
- 2 - 3 - 4 - 5
14. Being an active citizen,
voting, working for political issues or candidates,
doing volunteer community work, etc. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 -
5
Bonus
questions for discussion:
• What social and religious causes are you most
passionate about?
• Politics is grounded in many moral assumptions.
What political candidate did you support in the last
election? Does your spouse share your politics?
SCORING:
Add up all your points. If your totals vary by:
• Less than 15 points: Your moral compasses are
very compatible. You may not always be right,
but at least you share similar values. Consider if there
are any moral issues that call you to
become
more generous or life-giving.
• 16 – 49 points: Time to discuss the issues
you differ on by more than one number. Try to
balance rationalizing away differences with being overly
scrupulous.
• Over 50 points: You’re living on different
planets. Talk with a priest or pastoral counselor soon.
BACK
TO TOP
For
Families
WALKING IN ANOTHER'S SHOES
Adapted
from Just
Family Nights
YOU WILL NEED:
You may want to time this session so it can include
the dinner meal.
Enough materials for each person in the family to experience
a different sensory or physical disability such as:
• blindfold (an old dark sock and large pin work
well)
• ear muffs, ear plugs, or cotton
• tape for mouth
• sling for an arm (or a rag that can approximate
a sling)
• crutches (or again, a rag could be used to tie
up one leg)
• mitten to cover a hand. Attach the thumb so
it can't be used.
• slips of paper, each designating a handicap:
blind, deaf, mute, leg amputee, arm amputee, injured
hand, etc.
OPENING:
Carefully arrange the above items to be used on the
table. Light a candle and have members silently ponder:
If I had to choose a disability, what would I choose?
PRESENTATION OF THEME:
Of course, people who have physical, mental, or emotional
impairments never had the chance to choose their limitation.
We can never know fully what it's like to walk in another
person's shoes, to experience another’s disability,
but lets try to sample at least a little of what some
people in our society have to live with everyday –
not just part of a day.
FAMILY RESPONSE/ACTIVITY
Put all the disability papers in a basket. Each family
member randomly picks one and then takes the corresponding
disability item. The task is then to "stay in role"
for a predetermined period of time. The length of time
depends upon the ages of the children and the day's
schedule.
• Very young children may only be able to do this
for about 15-30 minutes.
• Families with older children can try it over
a longer period of time, ideally including a meal.
The family then goes about
their normal activities until the time is up.
DISCUSSION
When the time is up, gather and debrief what the experience
was like for everyone.
• What did it feel like?
• Did any of the disabilities seem like fun in
the beginning? If so, how long did it take for the glamour
to wear off?
• Did the particular disability I had make a difference?
Would I have preferred a different one? Why?
• What if I had a disability that was not physical,
like an emotional or mental disability? Would that be
easier or harder?
• No one is perfect. In one sense all of us have
disabilities, they just might not be as noticeable or
severe as the kind we've just sampled. What is a limitation
or disability that I really have?
TREAT:
Why not make (or at least eat) a dessert using your
less dominant hand – unless you're ambidextrous
of course.
Related Scripture: 1 Corinthians
12:14-26
Activities are simplified adaptations
from Just Family Nights, Susan Vogt, ed. Brethren Press,
Elgin, IL: 1994.
See original book of 60 family nights for age adaptations,
expanded reading, activities, songs, recipes, and background.
BACK
TO TOP
For Couples
DO YOU MAKE GOOD TRAVEL COMPANIONS?
Circle A (Agree), D (Disagree),
or U (Unsure) after each question. Compare answers.
1. When getting ready for a trip:
A. I pack for every contingency
A D U
B. I take pride in packing compactly
A D U
2. When getting ready
for a trip:
A. I am usually calm and ready
to leave at the appointed time A D U
B. I usually scurry around frantically
throwing things together and still leave late.
A D U
3. When getting ready
for a trip, I like:
A. to have a plan, check maps and
tour books, etc. A D U
B. to be spontaneous and flexible.
A D U
C. to have someone else plan the
trip for me or have a tour guide. A D U
4. What mode of transportation
do you enjoy? (Circle all that apply.)
A. Car A D U
a. It’s
cheaper. A D U
b. I don’t
travel far. A D U
c. We
have kids and cars work best. A D U
d. I’m
afraid to fly. A D U
B. Air A D U
a. Only if
I can use frequent flyer miles. A D U
b. It’s
quickest for long trips. A D U
c. I like watching
the movies. A D U
C. Train/Subway A D U
a. It’s
economical. A D U
b. It’s
safe. A D U
c. It
wastes less of the earth’s resources.
A D U
D. Boat (a cruise, sailing, etc.)
A D U
a. I like
luxury. A D U
b. I like
having someone else taking care of me, and the food
is plentiful. A D U
c. I like
water. A D U
d. I like
shopping at the ports. A D U
E. I just like to go places, I
don’t care how. A D U
F. I hate to travel, regardless
of the mode of transportation. A D U
5. When on vacation,
I like to:
A. stay close to home (maybe a
local cottage, nearby hotel, or just staying home).
A D U
B. do things the natural way (camping,
hiking, outdoor activities). A D U
C. Do it “first class”
(expensive lodging, entertainment) Vacations are a time
to splurge. A D U
D. Travel to far off or unique
places (different countries, or a different part of
my country). A D U
E. Have familiar surroundings and
all the comforts of home. A D U
6. When traveling
by car, I like to:
A. take frequent breaks to stretch,
eat, go to the bathroom. A D U
B. push ahead to get to my destination
as quickly as possible. A D U
7. When traveling
by car, I like to:
A. keep a neat environment (I always
keep a litter bag in the car.) A D U
B. Get real! If I’m going
any distance, it’s impractical to keep everything
neat. A D U
8. When driving,
I:
A. generally don’t go more
than five miles over the speed limit. A D
U
B. either keep a radar detector
in the car, or should. A D U
C. am very cautious. Many cars
pass me. A D U
9. When traveling
by car:
A. I pack many diversions (books,
CD’s, games, etc.) A D U
B. I’m fine as long as the
radio works. I like it tuned to: A D U
a. music
(What kind? __________) A D U
b. talk
shows (What kind? _________) A D U
c. news
or NPR. A D U
C. I like to talk or sing.
A D U
D. I like to sleep. A
D U
10. I prefer to:
A. travel to one place, stay there,
and relax. A D U
B. visit a lot of different places,
see a lot, do a lot. A D U
C. visit relatives.
A D U
D. visit friends. A
D U
11. I like to travel:
A. by myself. A
D U
B. with my spouse.
A D U
C. with my spouse and children.
A D U
D. with a group of friends.
A D U
SCORING:
Total all the responses on which you and your
spouse agree.
If you agree with each other on:
40+ items: Happy Travels!
11-39 items: Take this opportunity to practice
compromise and negotiation skills.
0-10 items: Consider separate vacations.
BACK
TO TOP
For
Families
TROPHIES FOR TIGHTWADS
Adapted from Just Family Nights
YOU
WILL NEED:
Boxes or bags for collecting excess clutter, clothes
and other items to give away.
OPENING:
Invite the family around the kitchen or other gathering
place. Light a candle and sing a song like "Simple
Gifts."
PRESENTATION
OF THEME:
Living simply is not a simple task. It takes more creativity
and more of our physical and spiritual energy than "buying
into" our fast-paced, throwaway society. Let’s
look at our living environment and let go of some of
what clutters our life.
READING:
Matthew 6:25-34
FAMILY
RESPONSE/ACTIVITY:
Each family member finds two or three items around the
house that he or she can't live without (i.e. teddy
bear, iPod, computer). Examine the use of each item
and discuss if these are wants or needs. What does our
family actually NEED for survival?
Take
a tour of your home together. In each room look at what
is lying around the floor (clutter). How do we take
care of our belongings? What furnishings, knick-knacks,
etc. unnecessarily "clutter" our lives?
Look
at the clothes in your closets and drawers. Do we have
clothing or accessories we don't use anymore that someone
else may be able to use?
Collect
clothing and other items we can give away.
Are
there families you know who need your extra clothes,
etc.? Arrange to give them your surplus in a dignified
fashion or donate the items to a charitable organization.
TREAT:
Popcorn and apple juice
Activities
are simplified adaptations from Just Family Nights.
Susan Vogt, ed. Brethren Press, Elgin, IL: 1994.
See the original book of 60 family nights for age adaptations,
expanded reading, activities, songs, recipes, and background.
BACK
TO TOP
;
ENRICHMENT - For
Couples
HOW WELL CAN YOU READ YOUR SPOUSE'S MOODS?
Answer each question according
to what you think your spouse would say. Then check
with each other to see how close you are in interpreting
each others words and moods.
1. “I have
a headache” means:
A. I want to be alone.
B. I want some sympathy and consolation.
C. I need to know where you put the aspirin.
D. I’d like some comfort food or a back rub.
E. Don’t even think of suggesting we make love
tonight!
2. When I ask my
spouse, “What’s wrong?” and the reply
is “Nothing,” that means:
A. Nothing is wrong. (This probably is not true and,
therefore, wrong.)
B. My spouse is feeling neglected or misunderstood and
wants you to remember what you did to offend and then
apologize.
C. My spouse wants to be left alone to sulk or vegetate
for awhile.
D. She’s probably having a PMS moment.
3. Your spouse looks
at you with a gleam in the eye:
A. Something good happened at work and he/she is anxious
to share it.
B. He’s proud that he has such a beautiful wife.
She’s proud that she has such a handsome husband.
C. Your spouse just had the lowest golf score of the
year, the highest video game score, or won the lottery
or _______________
D. He’s hoping you’re in the same mood that
he is in this evening. (Reverse pronouns if you like.)
4. Your spouse snaps
at you. He or she is probably:
A. Tired and needs a nap.
B. Upset about something that doesn’t involve
you.
C. Annoyed that you just beat him/her at a game.
D. Defensive because of a criticism that you just delivered.
E. Other _____________
5. Your spouse is
quiet and doesn’t respond when you walk in the
room. He/she is:
A. Just fine and enjoys the calm and solitude
B. Brooding. It might be about you, but it might not.
C. Bored or lonely and is waiting for your company to
do something.
D. Engrossed in thought or concentrating.
E. Privately praying/meditating.
F. Almost asleep. Don’t disturb.
6. Your spouse is
scurrying around, barking orders, and looks frazzled.
He/she would probably like you to:
A. Get out of the way
B. Think of ways to help with the tasks that need to
be done.
C. Ask what you can do to help.
D. Know that there’s so much to do because of
something you forgot to do or your tardiness and is
hoping for an apology.
7. Your spouse is
sick. He/she probably wants to:
A. Be left alone.
B. Have you run to the store for medications.
C. Have you be solicitous, i.e. bring some juice, the
paper.
D. Have you nearby for company and conversation
Scoring:
If you accurately anticipated your spouse’s answer:
5-7 times – You’re experienced in reading
your spouse’s moods
2-4 times – Don’t just guess, check out
what your spouse really means and wants.
1 time – Time for a communication class.
* Correctly guessing your spouse's
answer is not as important as the discussion you have
as a result of it.
BACK
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;
ENRICHMENT - For
Couples
IF
I'VE TOLD YOU ONCE, I'VE TOLD YOU 1000 TIMES
Why do adults who are normally
reasonable and mature, believe that if they only repeat
a complaint to their spouse often enough, that the
spouse will change. Such nagging doesn’t work
with kids and it’s even more destructive to
a marriage. Following is an exercise to help you stop
nagging. Its success depends on your willingness to
give up one gripe.
Many of us have probably
used the phrase, “Honey, if I’ve told
you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, would
you please not – chomp on your ice cubes, leave
the toilet seat up, criticize me in front of your
mother… If indeed you’ve asked your spouse
more than several times to stop a behavior, chances
are he or she will not be more likely to change if
you simply keep repeating the request. Usually what
follows is resentment.
You have several options:
1. Find a new and creative way to motivate your spouse
to change. “Honey, every time you have ice in
a glass and DON”T chew on it, I’ll give
you a massage, we can make love, whatever.”
2. Decide that in the whole scope of life and love,
the infraction is rather minor and you will choose
to live with it. This choice means you must give up
the urge to remind and nag on this particular issue.
3. Continue to frustrate yourself and annoy your spouse
by repeating the comment.
Assuming you choose the
middle ground (#2), here’s how it works. Simply
choose one annoying habit that your spouse does
and decide that you will never again nag him or
her about it. This has nothing to do with the rightness
or wrongness of your spouse’s action or your
continuing desire for the irritating behavior to
cease. It just means you’ve let go of the
job of complainer/corrector on this one issue. Although
this exercise can be done at any time of year, you
may find that Lent is a fitting time to start giving
up a pet peeve for the sake of the marriage. You
can tell your spouse of your decision – once
– if you like.
BACK
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For
Families
THE
MYSTERY OF GROWTH
Adapted from Just Family Nights
Note
to Parent(s): The primary activity for this Family
Night is a long range project of watching a garden
grow. For those who just can't wait, Option 2 provides
more immediate results.
PREPARATION:
• paper and crayons or markers
• garden tools
• paper for mapping out the garden
• calendar
Option 1:
• vegetable seeds (beans are fast-growing)
Option 2:
• seedlings or bedding plants
OPENING:
As a family, make a mini "pilgrimage" to a space
prepared for planting. Spend a few moments just quietly
looking over the area and imagining what you might plant
where and how it might look as it grows. Sing: "The
Garden Song" (aka "Inch by Inch, Row by Row").
Return to the gathering place in your home.
PRESENTATION OF THEME:
We're going to start an experiment to find out how things
grow best. It'll take quite a while for our study to be
complete and it'll take some work. But growth is often
like that - slow and often hard.
READING:
Mark 4: 3-9
FAMILY RESPONSE/ACTIVITY:
Do one or both of the following before actually planting
your seeds:
1. Draw a picture.
It's always fun for young children to draw pictures
of flowers, trees, the sun, birds, etc. depicting
spring. This can be fun for almost any age, even if
they're too young to make the flowers look like flowers.
2. Make a map of the garden.
While little children are drawing, parents and older
children can plot on paper where things will be planted.
Allot two rows for your special experiment seeds.
It helps develop some understanding of planning, choices,
how things fit in relation to each other. Young children
can decorate the borders, or glue pictures of what's
planted, etc. Older children can make the whole thing.
The maps can make colorful wall hangings in the kitchen,
on the refrigerator, or in their bedroom.
OPTION 1:
Plant your experimental seeds according to the following
directions:
Row 1: Plant according to directions on package
Row 2: Plant simply by scattering the seeds on top of
the soil in this row and perhaps putting a few seeds loosely
under a small amount of dirt.
When the planting is complete
discuss the plan for the rest of the experiment:
• Let the seeds grow. Check them daily.
• See that the first row is watered according to
the instructions if there is not enough rainfall. Do ; ; ;not
water the second row. It should depend solely on rainfall.
• Monitor and record on a calendar when and how
the beans begin to grow.
• After the beans have begun to grow two or three
inches,
; ; ;a. transplant some of beans by carelessly pulling them
up and putting them in another location.
;b. take some other seedlings and dig
them up carefully and transplant them in a location that
;has been prepared to receive
them.
• Continue to monitor and record the growth of all
the bean plants for the remainder of the growing ;season
and note the different results.
OPTION 2:
IMMEDIATE RESULTS ACTIVITY (for those who just can't
wait.)
Plant seedlings that are already growing. You could
also plant seeds at the same time and see how long
it takes the seeds planted to catch up with the seedlings.
FOLLOW - UP ACTIVITY AND
DISCUSSION:
Later in the summer, after you can see some differentiation
in plant growth, the family could either have a follow-up
Family Night or more informally discuss the differences
in growth.
For example:
Look around your own city, town, state and other parts
of the world. Note the similarities to the two rows
of beans. People who are not properly cared for or
nurtured from pre-natal care through their growing
years suffer similar fates, i.e. there may be some
who make it, but most never grow and develop into
the healthy, productive people they could have been.
Similarly, people who may
have started out with the proper care and nurturing,
but then are uprooted recklessly without regard to
their health and well-being also have a harder time
becoming healthy, productive citizens. However, those
who are uprooted, but carefully transplanted and properly
nurtured thereafter may lag in development, but are
still able to overcome the trauma they suffered.
TREAT:
Ideally have something homegrown. If nothing is ready
buy some fruit at a farmer’s market.
Activities are simplified adaptations
from Just Family Nights, Susan Vogt, ed. Brethren
Press, Elgin, IL: 1994. See the original book of 60
family nights for age adaptations, expanded reading,
activities, songs, recipes, and background.
BACK
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For
Families
MY
GRANDMA'S GRANDMA
Adapted from Just Family Nights
In some families
one or more members may not be aware of their national
origin due to adoption, slavery, or a mixed background.
In this case, choose a likely or favorite country
to adopt and explore its culture.
PREPARATION:
•Several candles
•Mementos of your own family's heritage (i.e.
songs, clothes, pictures, artifacts, food, etc.)
•A list of the last several generations of your
family
OPTIONAL
• Invite the oldest relatives you have living
nearby to join you.
• Borrow from library:
The Relatives Came, Cynthia Rylant - Bradybury Press,
1985, ages 3-9.
The Keeping Quilt, Patricia Polacco - Simon and Shuster,
1988, ages 5-10.
OPENING:
Light a candle.
READING:
Matthew 1:2-16 (Summarize if the genealogy is too
long to keep the attention of the children.)
OR
The Relatives Came or The Keeping Quilt
Ask each person to quietly
think of their own grandparents (or, if they can remember,
their great grandparents). Picture what they look
like. Are there any typical sayings you associate
with them?
PRESENTATION OF THEME:
Tonight we're going to take a step back in time and
try to get a taste of what it might have been like
to live 100 or more years ago - about the time when
"my grandma's grandma" was a child. To get
back to that time we're going to work our way back
generation by generation. Hopefully, we will not only
experience what life was like in a more primitive
time, but also learn some of the unique heritage and
customs of the countries from which our ancestors
came.
FAMILY RESPONSE/ACTIVITY:
1. If you don't already have a chart of your family
tree, make a simple one. Talk about each individual
as you put his/her name down.
• Are there any interesting family stories about
their lives, idiosyncrasies, sayings, values, personalities,
etc.?
• Are there any physical resemblances to particular
relatives?
This exercise will probably take you back to somewhere
between 1850 and 1900.
2. To complete your travel
backward through time, transform your home into a
typical 1850 - 1900 dwelling. If you know the kind
of life circumstances particular ancestors were living
in at that time, try to approximate them. If not,
use the following guidelines:
• No computers or compact discs, DVD’s,
I-Pods (not common until 1990's)
• No VCR's, microwaves, or video games (not
common until 1980's)
• No cassette tape recorders (not common until
1970's)
• No T.V.s (not common until 1950's)
Now it gets a little harder:
• No talking movies (not common until 1930's)
• No automobiles (not common until 1920's)
• No refrigerators (not common until 1920's)
• No electric stoves (not common until 1910's)
• No indoor plumbing (not common until 1910's)
• No electric lights, telephone, phonograph,
or anything run by electricity (not common until 1900's)
NOTE TO LEADER:
A list of inventions with dates can be found in The
World Almanac under Science & Technology.
3. Decide as a family how
far you would like to go back in time. (I recommend
a pre-light bulb decade for greatest effect.) Then
take a slow walk together through every room in your
home. At each room pause and take stock of what would
be different in the time you selected. What items
weren't invented yet? What items would look different?
As you leave each room turn off anything that would
not have been common. When you get to the final room
(probably the living room) settle in for an evening
in your time warp. Assuming you have chosen a time
before 1900 (when electric lighting was not common)
you will need to place candles in several secure places.
If you have a fireplace it would be nice to contemplate
what it would be like for this to be your primary
means of heating and cooking.
4. Spend the remainder
of the evening exploring your ethnic heritage, being
as faithful as possible to the lifestyle of your decade.
A. Parents or grandparents may describe ethnic artifacts
and talk about their use or meaning. (Examples: Irish
lace, German beer steins, Ukrainian Easter eggs, African
ivory, etc.)
B. Tell stories about what life was like in the "old
country", or at least a generation or two ago
in your own country.
C. Ethnic songs could be sung. (Remember that records
and tapes were not invented yet, much less CD’s.)
TEEN ADAPTATION:
In exploring the family's heritage teens may delve
into issues like:
• What are some stereotypes of people from your
ancestral country? (Examples: Latin lovers, stubborn
Germans, stoic Slavs, alcoholic Irish, dumb Dutchman,
Polish bowlers, sly Chinese, shrewd Jewish)
• How do you feel about these generalizations?
• Is there any truth to them?
• What are some positive characteristics for
which your nationality is known?
Activities
are simplified adaptations from Just Family Nights,
Susan Vogt, ed. Brethren Press, Elgin, IL: 1994. See
the original book of 60 family nights for age adaptations,
expanded reading, activities, songs, recipes, and
background.
BACK
TO TOP
For
Couples
THE
PINCH
It takes a lot of pinches
to cause a bruise. Usually a little, one time, pinch
does little harm, but the accumulation of many pinches
irritate the skin and leave a mark. And so it is with
marriage too. That thoughtless remark or act when
repeated –especially once you know it irritates
your spouse– can eat away at the relationship.
The big marriage breakers (infidelity, addictions,
abuse) often have their seeds in the terrible trifles.
These build to the point where one partner ends up
saying, “I just don’t feel love for you
anymore.” Nip the pinches in the bud by:
• Identifying the pinches unique to your relationship
• Gently and lovingly request that your spouse
work on eliminating ONE pinch. (One will do for a
start. Let the rest go for now.)
• Be willing to eliminate ONE pinch that annoys
your spouse.
Following are some examples
to get you started:
1. You forget to tell me about an evening meeting.
2. You say you’re just going to check e-mail,
but don’t get off the computer for an hour.
3. You talk to me while I’m on the telephone.
4. You talk to me from another room.
5. You leave a mess in the bathroom.
6. You don’t ask me what is wrong when you know
that something is bothering me.
7. You make light of a problem I tell you about.
8. You leave the gas tank empty in the car.
9. You come home from work and are irritable with
the children because you are tired.
10. You remind me of something stupid I did in the
past.
11. You are often not ready on time.
12. You sometimes pay more attention to the newspaper
and TV that to me.
13. You repeat something I’ve told you in confidence.
14. You sometimes don’t listen to me when I
am talking.
15. You forget to do something I’ve asked you
to do.
16. You start a job but you don’t finish it.
17. You tease me about my cooking in front of others.
18. You keep putting off that weekend alone you promised.
19. You drank the last coke or ate the last Klondike
bar.
20. You let the kids eat all my peanuts.
By
Marcy and Ralph Reed, Association for Couples in Marriage
Enrichment (ACME) lead couple
Adapted and used with permission
BACK
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For
Parents
A
SUMMER JOB JAR
In the summer most families
welcome a more relaxed schedule. As vacation starts for
most students, however, it doesn’t take long before
“I don’t have anything to do” becomes
an all too frequent refrain. One summer sanity strategy
that I wish I had started earlier is a “summer job
jar.”
I’d think up about 50 simple jobs and put each
on a strip of colored paper in a jar. Each week day
children picked one job to do before dinner. If they
didn’t like the first one they could pick another,
and delay the original job till later.
I skipped Sundays because that should be a day of
rest anyway. I also skipped Saturdays since that was
our traditional “clean up your room day”
and we might have weekend outings. Put in a few surprise
fun things to do also just to keep it interesting.
Most jobs probably shouldn’t take much more
than 15 minutes to keep it from being too burdensome
although some could be more major. The job jar did
not replace regular year round chores like setting
the table or feeding the dog. If your child is old
enough, brainstorm ideas together.
It’s easier to start a custom like this when
children are young and still think you’re the
boss, but we started it when our youngest was about
10. It probably worked because his best friend’s
family also did it. There’s strength in numbers.
A family outing at the end of summer might be a nice
way to celebrate everyones’ work. Here are some
possible jobs that you might want to use.
Outdoor jobs: Laundry
jobs:
• water the plants •
match socks
• mulch •
fold napkins and towels
• weed a section of the garden
Miscellaneous jobs: Fun
jobs:
• make dessert •
play a game with Mom or Dad
• dust a room •
tell the family a joke at dinner
• read a story to a younger sibling •
play the piano (or flute, or drums) for the family
• organize a bookshelf
• plan a special grace for dinner
• count all the books in the house
BACK
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|
Humor
Your Spouse
Humor adds to our
marriage emotional bank account and allows us
to tolerate or overlook offenses that might
otherwise irritate. Well, OK, they still might
annoy us but we’re willing to overlook
minor things because of the overall fun and
positive experiences we’ve had together.
Cultivating humor in marriage is not the same
thing as being able to tell a joke. Following
are some kinds of humor you might nurture in
your marriage. Think of ways that you “humor
each other.” If you have any additional
ways, let me know and I’ll share the best
on this website.
|
See
your spouse with a new eye.
|
KINDS OF HUMOR:
1. Engaging in fun, lighthearted past-times
together.
Examples: playing games or sports together, watching
funny movies or TV shows
Question: What are our favorite ways to relax
together and have fun?
2. Inside or “running”
jokes: Often these have to do with personal
foibles that we can turn into jokes rather than continuing
to complain.
Example: When finding something I’ve lost, I’ll
often say to Jim something like, “How clever
of you to hide my credit card back in my wallet.”
Question: What silly thing does my spouse do that
I complain about? How can I change this into a lighthearted
joke?
3. Exaggeration:
Often exaggeration of a problem or fault can turn
it into humor.
Example: Well, it could have been worse. You could
have broken your arm, never found your way back, lost
your purse AND wrecked the car.
or “Could you walk a little faster. I’m
not getting enough exercise trying to keep up.”
Question: What trait or quality do you or your
spouse have in excess? Play with ridiculous exaggerations
of how that could be a boon for your marriage or society
if it were multiplied 10 times.
4. Hindsight stories (laughing
at yourselves)
Example: Once Jim and I had to wake our 13 year old
at midnight to help us take our bedroom door off the
hinges because we had locked ourselves INSIDE our
bedroom.
Question: What’s your favorite story of
a marriage or family mishap that, looking back, you
can now laugh at?
5. Pranks/Surprises:
These can backfire. Be careful.
Example: “Honey, the babysitter just called
and said she had to cancel for tonight. I’m
afraid we’ll have to cancel our dinner reservations
for our anniversary. Maybe we could just put the baby
in the car and take a leisurely drive in the country.
He’ll fall asleep and we can talk.” You
then drive to a relative’s house who agreed
to watch the baby for the weekend while you have a
get-away at a resort (or even at home).
Question: Have you ever tried a prank or surprise
that backfired? Now you have a hindsight story to
laugh about.
WHEN HUMOR HURTS:
Not all humor is funny to a spouse. Be careful about
making fun of your spouse’s weight, haircut,
pregnancy, or making fun of your spouse in front of
others or behind his/her back.
Example: It’s tempting when out with the guys
or gals to join in a round of “Can you believe
that “x” tried to put air in the car tires
by blowing into the tire valve!”
Question: What topic is my spouse sensitive about
and I should avoid? Check it out.
BACK
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For Parents
Bless
Your Child Today
"God bless you"
is not just for sneezes. Bless your child today. If
you think blessings can only come from ordained ministers
consider yourself the “minister of parenthood.”
Blessings can take many forms but the most natural
(and simplest) one for ministers of the home are not
formal prayers but prayers from the heart. Perhaps
use the simple: |
