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ENRICHMENT - For Couples
IF I'VE TOLD YOU ONCE, I'VE TOLD YOU 1000 TIMES

Why do adults who are normally reasonable and mature, believe that if they only repeat a complaint to their spouse often enough, that the spouse will change. Such nagging doesn’t work with kids and it’s even more destructive to a marriage. Following is an exercise to help you stop nagging. Its success depends on your willingness to give up one gripe.

Many of us have probably used the phrase, “Honey, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times, would you please not – chomp on your ice cubes, leave the toilet seat up, criticize me in front of your mother… If indeed you’ve asked your spouse more than several times to stop a behavior, chances are he or she will not be more likely to change if you simply keep repeating the request. Usually what follows is resentment.

You have several options:
1. Find a new and creative way to motivate your spouse to change. “Honey, every time you have ice in a glass and DON”T chew on it, I’ll give you a massage, we can make love, whatever.”
2. Decide that in the whole scope of life and love, the infraction is rather minor and you will choose to live with it. This choice means you must give up the urge to remind and nag on this particular issue.
3. Continue to frustrate yourself and annoy your spouse by repeating the comment.

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For Families
THE MYSTERY OF GROWTH
Adapted from Just Family Nights

Note to Parent(s): The primary activity for this Family Night is a long range project of watching a garden grow. For those who just can't wait, Option 2 provides more immediate results.

PREPARATION:
• paper and crayons or markers
• garden tools
• paper for mapping out the garden
• calendar
Option 1:
• vegetable seeds (beans are fast-growing)
Option 2:
• seedlings or bedding plants

OPENING:
As a family, make a mini "pilgrimage" to a space prepared for planting. Spend a few moments just quietly looking over the area and imagining what you might plant where and how it might look as it grows. Sing: "The Garden Song" (aka "Inch by Inch, Row by Row"). Return to the gathering place in your home.

PRESENTATION OF THEME:
We're going to start an experiment to find out how things grow best. It'll take quite a while for our study to be complete and it'll take some work. But growth is often like that - slow and often hard.

READING:
Mark 4: 3-9

FAMILY RESPONSE/ACTIVITY:
Do one or both of the following before actually planting your seeds:

1. Draw a picture.
It's always fun for young children to draw pictures of flowers, trees, the sun, birds, etc. depicting spring. This can be fun for almost any age, even if they're too young to make the flowers look like flowers.

2. Make a map of the garden.
While little children are drawing, parents and older children can plot on paper where things will be planted. Allot two rows for your special experiment seeds. It helps develop some understanding of planning, choices, how things fit in relation to each other. Young children can decorate the borders, or glue pictures of what's planted, etc. Older children can make the whole thing. The maps can make colorful wall hangings in the kitchen, on the refrigerator, or in their bedroom.

OPTION 1:
Plant your experimental seeds according to the following directions:
Row 1: Plant according to directions on package
Row 2: Plant simply by scattering the seeds on top of the soil in this row and perhaps putting a few seeds loosely under a small amount of dirt.

When the planting is complete discuss the plan for the rest of the experiment:
• Let the seeds grow. Check them daily.
• See that the first row is watered according to the instructions if there is not enough rainfall. Do   ;  ;  ;not water the second row. It should depend solely on rainfall.
• Monitor and record on a calendar when and how the beans begin to grow.
• After the beans have begun to grow two or three inches,
  ;  ;  ;a. transplant some of beans by carelessly pulling them up and putting them in another location.
    ;b. take some other seedlings and dig them up carefully and transplant them in a location that         ;has been prepared to receive them.
• Continue to monitor and record the growth of all the bean plants for the remainder of the growing     ;season and note the different results.

OPTION 2:
IMMEDIATE RESULTS ACTIVITY (for those who just can't wait.)
Plant seedlings that are already growing. You could also plant seeds at the same time and see how long it takes the seeds planted to catch up with the seedlings.

FOLLOW - UP ACTIVITY AND DISCUSSION:
Later in the summer, after you can see some differentiation in plant growth, the family could either have a follow-up Family Night or more informally discuss the differences in growth.
For example:
Look around your own city, town, state and other parts of the world. Note the similarities to the two rows of beans. People who are not properly cared for or nurtured from pre-natal care through their growing years suffer similar fates, i.e. there may be some who make it, but most never grow and develop into the healthy, productive people they could have been.

Similarly, people who may have started out with the proper care and nurturing, but then are uprooted recklessly without regard to their health and well-being also have a harder time becoming healthy, productive citizens. However, those who are uprooted, but carefully transplanted and properly nurtured thereafter may lag in development, but are still able to overcome the trauma they suffered.

TREAT:
Ideally have something homegrown. If nothing is ready buy some fruit at a farmer’s market.

Activities are simplified adaptations from Just Family Nights, Susan Vogt, ed. Brethren Press, Elgin, IL: 1994. See the original book of 60 family nights for age adaptations, expanded reading, activities, songs, recipes, and background.

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For Families
MY GRANDMA'S GRANDMA
Adapted from Just Family Nights

In some families one or more members may not be aware of their national origin due to adoption, slavery, or a mixed background. In this case, choose a likely or favorite country to adopt and explore its culture.

PREPARATION:
•Several candles
•Mementos of your own family's heritage (i.e. songs, clothes, pictures, artifacts, food, etc.)
•A list of the last several generations of your family
OPTIONAL
• Invite the oldest relatives you have living nearby to join you.
• Borrow from library:
The Relatives Came, Cynthia Rylant - Bradybury Press, 1985, ages 3-9.
The Keeping Quilt, Patricia Polacco - Simon and Shuster, 1988, ages 5-10.

OPENING:
Light a candle.

READING:
Matthew 1:2-16 (Summarize if the genealogy is too long to keep the attention of the children.)
OR
The Relatives Came or The Keeping Quilt

Ask each person to quietly think of their own grandparents (or, if they can remember, their great grandparents). Picture what they look like. Are there any typical sayings you associate with them?

PRESENTATION OF THEME:
Tonight we're going to take a step back in time and try to get a taste of what it might have been like to live 100 or more years ago - about the time when "my grandma's grandma" was a child. To get back to that time we're going to work our way back generation by generation. Hopefully, we will not only experience what life was like in a more primitive time, but also learn some of the unique heritage and customs of the countries from which our ancestors came.

FAMILY RESPONSE/ACTIVITY:
1. If you don't already have a chart of your family tree, make a simple one. Talk about each individual as you put his/her name down.
• Are there any interesting family stories about their lives, idiosyncrasies, sayings, values, personalities, etc.?
• Are there any physical resemblances to particular relatives?
This exercise will probably take you back to somewhere between 1850 and 1900.

2. To complete your travel backward through time, transform your home into a typical 1850 - 1900 dwelling. If you know the kind of life circumstances particular ancestors were living in at that time, try to approximate them. If not, use the following guidelines:
• No computers or compact discs, DVD’s, I-Pods (not common until 1990's)
• No VCR's, microwaves, or video games (not common until 1980's)
• No cassette tape recorders (not common until 1970's)
• No T.V.s (not common until 1950's)
Now it gets a little harder:
• No talking movies (not common until 1930's)
• No automobiles (not common until 1920's)
• No refrigerators (not common until 1920's)
• No electric stoves (not common until 1910's)
• No indoor plumbing (not common until 1910's)
• No electric lights, telephone, phonograph, or anything run by electricity (not common until 1900's)
NOTE TO LEADER:
A list of inventions with dates can be found in The World Almanac under Science & Technology.

3. Decide as a family how far you would like to go back in time. (I recommend a pre-light bulb decade for greatest effect.) Then take a slow walk together through every room in your home. At each room pause and take stock of what would be different in the time you selected. What items weren't invented yet? What items would look different? As you leave each room turn off anything that would not have been common. When you get to the final room (probably the living room) settle in for an evening in your time warp. Assuming you have chosen a time before 1900 (when electric lighting was not common) you will need to place candles in several secure places. If you have a fireplace it would be nice to contemplate what it would be like for this to be your primary means of heating and cooking.

4. Spend the remainder of the evening exploring your ethnic heritage, being as faithful as possible to the lifestyle of your decade.
A. Parents or grandparents may describe ethnic artifacts and talk about their use or meaning. (Examples: Irish lace, German beer steins, Ukrainian Easter eggs, African ivory, etc.)
B. Tell stories about what life was like in the "old country", or at least a generation or two ago in your own country.
C. Ethnic songs could be sung. (Remember that records and tapes were not invented yet, much less CD’s.)

TEEN ADAPTATION:
In exploring the family's heritage teens may delve into issues like:
• What are some stereotypes of people from your ancestral country? (Examples: Latin lovers, stubborn Germans, stoic Slavs, alcoholic Irish, dumb Dutchman, Polish bowlers, sly Chinese, shrewd Jewish)
• How do you feel about these generalizations?
• Is there any truth to them?
• What are some positive characteristics for which your nationality is known?

Activities are simplified adaptations from Just Family Nights, Susan Vogt, ed. Brethren Press, Elgin, IL: 1994. See the original book of 60 family nights for age adaptations, expanded reading, activities, songs, recipes, and background.

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For Couples
THE PINCH

It takes a lot of pinches to cause a bruise. Usually a little, one time, pinch does little harm, but the accumulation of many pinches irritate the skin and leave a mark. And so it is with marriage too. That thoughtless remark or act when repeated –especially once you know it irritates your spouse– can eat away at the relationship. The big marriage breakers (infidelity, addictions, abuse) often have their seeds in the terrible trifles. These build to the point where one partner ends up saying, “I just don’t feel love for you anymore.” Nip the pinches in the bud by:
• Identifying the pinches unique to your relationship
• Gently and lovingly request that your spouse work on eliminating ONE pinch. (One will do for a start. Let the rest go for now.)
• Be willing to eliminate ONE pinch that annoys your spouse.

Following are some examples to get you started:
1. You forget to tell me about an evening meeting.
2. You say you’re just going to check e-mail, but don’t get off the computer for an hour.
3. You talk to me while I’m on the telephone.
4. You talk to me from another room.
5. You leave a mess in the bathroom.
6. You don’t ask me what is wrong when you know that something is bothering me.
7. You make light of a problem I tell you about.
8. You leave the gas tank empty in the car.
9. You come home from work and are irritable with the children because you are tired.
10. You remind me of something stupid I did in the past.
11. You are often not ready on time.
12. You sometimes pay more attention to the newspaper and TV that to me.
13. You repeat something I’ve told you in confidence.
14. You sometimes don’t listen to me when I am talking.
15. You forget to do something I’ve asked you to do.
16. You start a job but you don’t finish it.
17. You tease me about my cooking in front of others.
18. You keep putting off that weekend alone you promised.
19. You drank the last coke or ate the last Klondike bar.
20. You let the kids eat all my peanuts.
By Marcy and Ralph Reed, Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment (ACME) lead couple
Adapted and used with permission

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For Parents
A SUMMER JOB JAR

In the summer most families welcome a more relaxed schedule. As vacation starts for most students, however, it doesn’t take long before “I don’t have anything to do” becomes an all too frequent refrain. One summer sanity strategy that I wish I had started earlier is a “summer job jar.”
I’d think up about 50 simple jobs and put each on a strip of colored paper in a jar. Each week day children picked one job to do before dinner. If they didn’t like the first one they could pick another, and delay the original job till later.

I skipped Sundays because that should be a day of rest anyway. I also skipped Saturdays since that was our traditional “clean up your room day” and we might have weekend outings. Put in a few surprise fun things to do also just to keep it interesting.

Most jobs probably shouldn’t take much more than 15 minutes to keep it from being too burdensome although some could be more major. The job jar did not replace regular year round chores like setting the table or feeding the dog. If your child is old enough, brainstorm ideas together.

It’s easier to start a custom like this when children are young and still think you’re the boss, but we started it when our youngest was about 10. It probably worked because his best friend’s family also did it. There’s strength in numbers.

A family outing at the end of summer might be a nice way to celebrate everyones’ work. Here are some possible jobs that you might want to use.
Outdoor jobs:                                           Laundry jobs:
• water the plants                                        • match socks
• mulch                                                         • fold napkins and towels
• weed a section of the garden

Miscellaneous jobs:                               Fun jobs:
• make dessert                                           • play a game with Mom or Dad
• dust a room                                              • tell the family a joke at dinner
• read a story to a younger sibling           • play the piano (or flute, or drums) for the family
• organize a bookshelf
• plan a special grace for dinner
• count all the books in the house

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KINDS OF HUMOR:
1. Engaging in fun, lighthearted past-times together.
Examples: playing games or sports together, watching funny movies or TV shows
Question: What are our favorite ways to relax together and have fun?

2. Inside or “running” jokes: Often these have to do with personal foibles that we can turn into jokes rather than continuing to complain.
Example: When finding something I’ve lost, I’ll often say to Jim something like, “How clever of you to hide my credit card back in my wallet.”
Question: What silly thing does my spouse do that I complain about? How can I change this into a lighthearted joke?

3. Exaggeration: Often exaggeration of a problem or fault can turn it into humor.
Example: Well, it could have been worse. You could have broken your arm, never found your way back, lost your purse AND wrecked the car.
or “Could you walk a little faster. I’m not getting enough exercise trying to keep up.”
Question: What trait or quality do you or your spouse have in excess? Play with ridiculous exaggerations of how that could be a boon for your marriage or society if it were multiplied 10 times.

4. Hindsight stories (laughing at yourselves)
Example: Once Jim and I had to wake our 13 year old at midnight to help us take our bedroom door off the hinges because we had locked ourselves INSIDE our bedroom.
Question: What’s your favorite story of a marriage or family mishap that, looking back, you can now laugh at?

5. Pranks/Surprises: These can backfire. Be careful.
Example: “Honey, the babysitter just called and said she had to cancel for tonight. I’m afraid we’ll have to cancel our dinner reservations for our anniversary. Maybe we could just put the baby in the car and take a leisurely drive in the country. He’ll fall asleep and we can talk.” You then drive to a relative’s house who agreed to watch the baby for the weekend while you have a get-away at a resort (or even at home).
Question: Have you ever tried a prank or surprise that backfired? Now you have a hindsight story to laugh about.

WHEN HUMOR HURTS:
Not all humor is funny to a spouse. Be careful about making fun of your spouse’s weight, haircut, pregnancy, or making fun of your spouse in front of others or behind his/her back.
Example: It’s tempting when out with the guys or gals to join in a round of “Can you believe that “x” tried to put air in the car tires by blowing into the tire valve!”
Question: What topic is my spouse sensitive about and I should avoid? Check it out.

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"God bless you" is not just for sneezes. Bless your child today. If you think blessings can only come from ordained ministers consider yourself the “minister of parenthood.” Blessings can take many forms but the most natural (and simplest) one for ministers of the home are not formal prayers but prayers from the heart. Perhaps use the simple: “May God bless you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.” You can add other spontaneous prayers for your child if you like. Adding a gesture like the sign of the cross or placing your hand on your child’s head emphasizes the sacredness of the time. Short rituals like this benefit from repetition. Blessing on a regular basis carries memories of past times and brings a moment of peace between you. Following are some times that you might want to bless your child.

Bedtime:
Even infants can be blessed as you put them down to sleep. In fact, blessing an infant may be more a prayer for the parent’s peace of mind than the child and it gives you practice. It can be a soothing conclusion to your bedtime prayer with toddlers and young children. Sometimes it may be the whole prayer. Older children may resist a bedtime prayer with you but sometimes simply putting your hand on your child’s head and silently blessing them will avoid awkwardness. Or let a bedtime kiss carry the message, “I love you and so does God.”

Leaving the house:
It may be a bit much for most families, but if you start the practice when your child first starts school, a “God bless you in school today.” can become part of your leave-taking.

Sickness:
A natural and welcome time to bless your child is at a time of sickness as you add a spontaneous prayer for the child’s recovery.

Times of crisis or transition:
A big test is coming up, it’s the day of tryouts for the basketball team, the day of your teen’s drivers test, or your young adult is leaving for college. It’s not magic, but praying for God’s blessing can remind your child that you are carrying him or her in prayer during this special time and they can call on God’s aid in times of stress or difficulty.

And don’t forget those sneezes.

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For Couples
VALUES & SPIRITUALITY IN MARRIAGE

Marriage is a value laden and spiritual undertaking – even for those who are not members of an organized religion. If your faith is important to you, however, the marriage vows take on a special dimension as your commitment to each other becomes an expression of your faith, not only in each other but also in God.

Following is an exercise to help you identify your most deeply held values and to check how closely they match up with your daily life. Sometimes we believe we believe something, but how we spend our time and money puts a lie to it. To have a happy marriage, couples need not share every interest BUT, it is crucial that they are in sync with their most deeply held values. If these values are generous, loving, and life-giving, a spiritual bonding will grow.

Directions: Each partner takes time to reflect on the following questions and write your answers on paper. Read each other’s thoughts, then discuss. Since this is a heavy topic, you might not want to do this exercise all in one sitting, but rather take a question a day, a week, or a month.

1. What's most important in life to you?
(This question is intentionally open ended to let your mind roam over all the possibilities.)
A.

B.

C.

What kind of time and money do you put toward these priorities?

2. Covenant
Reflect on when your relationship has not always been "fair" or equal. When has one of you been called to give more than your fair share? (For example: unequal schooling, incomes, physical abilities, illness…)

3. Unconditional
Is there any way that one or both of you have changed since your wedding day that's been hard to accept?

Is there any change that would jeopardize your love? (for example: a change in appearance, personality, or mental health, infertility, loss of a job, infidelity…)

4. Fidelity/Permanence
Fidelity is more than just sexual, permanence is more than just not getting a divorce. What daily or frequent habits have you developed to nurture your relationship? (For example: eating together, a daily walk, checking in by phone or e-mail, praying together…)

Has there ever been a crisis in your relationship when you have been tempted to give up on it? What helped you through it?

5. Fruitfulness
Has your love stretched you beyond yourselves? How? (For example: volunteer work, service projects, helping out in your neighborhood and community…)

For those who have a child(ren) - How has your child stretched you to go beyond yourselves?

6. Forgiveness
Do you generally find it easy or difficult to forgive your spouse or yourself for shortcomings and mistakes?

What has been a hard thing for you to forgive so far in your marriage?

What does forgiveness look like in your marriage? For example: Do you say, “Please forgive me.” and “I forgive you.”? Do you make amends? Do a favor? Hug? Give flowers? Make a bowl of popcorn?...

7. Prayer
How do you feel about praying? (Neutral? Curious? Inexperienced? Committed?…)
Do you want to pray?

Do you want to try praying with your spouse?
How do you feel about praying with my spouse? (Nervous? Embarrassed? Wistful?…)

Do any of the following styles of prayer appeal to you?
____ memorized prayers
____ reading inspirational books
____ meditation - (open)
____ guided meditation
____ prayer services/rituals
____ rosary
____ scripture reading
____ inspiration from nature
____ I'm a crisis prayer
____ other

For ideas and a jump start on praying as a couple read Who Me? Pray with Her?