Living Lightly

Susan Vogt on living more simply but abundantly

Browsing Posts published by Susan Vogt

Over the past 8 years rather than just giving something up for Lent I’ve tried to do something pro-active to make me a better, more loving person. This has included:
2010-Giving away one category of possessions a day
2011-Continuing to give stuff away including intangibles
2012-Eating on a Food Stamp budget
2013-Creating less waste
2014-Decluttering hidden stuff by pruning a Drawer-a-Day

2015-Trying to buy nothing other than food
2016-Clearing paper clutter from my desk and obsolete paper from file cabinets
2017-Cleaning my mind and heart of anger, i.e. Political Conversations

Although my home and heart certainly still have room for more pruning, I’ve been searching for my next step. Lent is a good time to take stock of who I am, how I can become a better human, and start practices that that can become ongoing habits of virtue.

My decision for 2018: Be Kind
This may sound like a fluffy, general, be nice kind of resolution but it stemmed from my self-awareness that I can be overly judgmental, a tightwad, and care too much about what people think of me. Focusing on others is a growing edge I want to foster. I was also prompted by a 10 year old refrigerator note to myself: “BE KIND: Don’t be a Jerk. Honor the Absent, Give the Benefit of the Doubt.” It’s a nice idea, but I hadn’t made much progress toward these ideals.

THE PROBLEM:
The challenge will be to go beyond just general, feel good, niceness. I knew I needed to make this goal more deliberate, conscious, and systematic. I want to bring a heightened consciousness to what might initially seem like a very meek goal – just be kind.

THE PLAN: To each day intentionally do something specific, and go out of my way, to be kind:

  1. To another human being. This will probably include continuing to give stuff away to people who need it, but will also include acts of verbal kindness to those I meet in my daily travels (stores, meetings, in traffic, etc.) I already have a few items that I plan to give away, but instead of just waiting for Viet Vets to pick up my miscellaneous stuff, I plan to actually take my donations to a person or place that can use it. I also plan on finding ways to compliment another, but more importantly to bite my tongue when tempted to criticize or complain about a person in their absence.
  2. To planet earth. This will probably include more recycling, paying attention to the animals and plant life around me, and generally choosing something tangible that I can do to improve our common home beyond what I normally do. Should involvement with our local Pachamama Alliance environmental group count?
  3. To myself. On Sundays I’ll probably take a rest and find something to do that renews my spirit. Do you think it would be OK to ventilate about life’s frustrations and maybe even some people. 🙂

HOLDING MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE
In order to avoid Being Kind just ending up as a pleasant platitude that doesn’t really challenge and transform my life, I am committing to write a specific action plan in my journal each morning. The next morning I will note whether I accomplished my action (or inaction in the case of complaining about someone). If I didn’t do my planned action was I able to find a substitute? Of course knowing that I’ll be telling you all about my successes and admitting my failures will also keep me motivated. (My husband also calls me to honesty.)

TAKE AWAY: I’m thinking that making a specific daily decision is the key to developing an ongoing attitude and habit of kindness, not just an occasional being nice. What do you think?

Simplifying one’s life need not mean eliminating all luxuries but it might be a helpful practice to ask ourselves whether a contemplated purchase or possession is a necessity or a luxury. This can focus our decisions about how we spend our money and time.

For example, during this cold winter I thought about those who don’t have a warm place to live or warm clothes. I had an extra winter coat, a scarf, and ear muffs. Clearly these would be necessities for a person in need so I took them to the local Cold Shelter and felt virtuous.

At the same time, I found 8 thin dressy leather gloves plus a dozen very elegant napkins that I inherited from a rich relative. These were not gloves that would keep anyone warm and the napkins were beautiful but not functional since they were made of a thin, transparent material. Both items clearly fit the luxury category and might best be used walking on the red carpet at the Oscars or hosting a tea for a dignitary. I decided to take them to a nearby antique dealer.

This got me thinking about what really is a necessity and what is nice, perhaps even beautiful, but more of a luxury if one is trying to live simply. Sometimes the decision is clear and easy like the above, but often it’s muddied by lifestyle, stage of life, who I compare myself with, and how extreme I want this “simplicity” thing to be in my life. Is there no room for treats or simply living a middle class lifestyle?

OBVIOUS NECESSITIES: Food, Clothing, Shelter, Health Care, Education.

Of course there’s lots of wriggle room in the above categories. Clean water is a necessity, but what about soft drinks or wine? Clothing is a necessity but how stylish need it be and how many slacks are reasonable? Shelter is a given, but last week I spent 10 January days in a convent in India with no heat. I wasn’t always comfortable but it increased my empathy for those who are cold by necessity not choice. Education is a necessity but does that include private schooling or a doctorate?

Realizing that this is a subjective subject, I propose the following Guide for the Sincere Seeker (or guilt driven purchaser or purger). Consider the following questions when the distinction between a need and a treat are murkier:

  1. Who do I compare myself to? If my frame of reference are millionaires then I can cut myself a lot more slack than if I compare myself to an unemployed single parent. Action step: Rub shoulders with some folk who have less material goods than yourself. This might mean taking the bus, serving meals in a soup kitchen, walking a poor neighborhood, tutoring an indigent child… Knowing the poor can keep us more honest about our real needs.
  2. Is it necessary for the health and well-being of my family? Think household supplies and tools.
  3. Is it necessary for my job? This includes professional looking clothes and tools.
  4. Will buying _____ help me serve others better? Thus, I can justify having internet and other technology that helps me do my work, keep connected to our out of town family and friends. Having unused bedrooms allows me to host out of town family, guests, and sometimes people in need of a temporary home.
  5. Will this purchase deepen my spiritual life? This applies to books, movies, music, retreats…
  6. Will spending money on _____ help create community? Offering hospitality, helping someone take advantage of an opportunity to grow, donating to worthy causes, etc.
  7. Do I already have a serviceable version of ______? Is a new one going to make my life easier so that I have more time to serve, or is it simply a shiny thing to boost my pride?
  8. Is it a quality product that will last? Sometimes, it’s worth paying more for something even though it may look like a luxury to others. Consider such things as a fuel efficient car or solar panels.
  9. Is it fair that I have ______, when others cannot afford it? If it’s a necessity; Yes. If it’s optional; Maybe not.
  10. Can I do without it and not suffer undo harm?

TREATS: And then there is the question of treating oneself or others. I’m not opposed to an occasional treat. Heck, a dinner out can be both convenient, relationship building, and at times a necessity. A massage may be a luxury but call it that and count it as reinvigorating your body and spirit. We needn’t be misers with ourselves, but that’s where rubbing shoulders with those who have less can keep us honest. It can keep our treats and luxuries in bounds.

Stay tuned for my February 14, 2018 Lenten practice. It will have to do with being kind.

In the spirit of end of the year lists, I’ve picked a dozen favorite snippets from my 2017 blog posts. This was like picking a favorite child but in my ongoing effort to save you all reading time, I forced myself to whittle my original 18 down to 12. Click on the links to get the full story.

1. First world debates: It’s sobering to remember that some people don’t have the money to pay for necessities, much less gifts, whether online or local. Some of our neighbors on planet earth are hungry, living in dangerous places, fleeing war zones, living with addictions or family violence. What a luxury it is to debate the best way to spend and save our discretionary money.

2. Don’t complicate giving
stuff away. Sometimes figuring out the best place to take stuff can be a hassle. Relax, just keep giving. Trying to be too pure about the details can tie up energy. In these troubled times free your energy for the truly major political issues like caring for the poor, healing relationships, and protecting the environment.

3. Going Beyond my bubble: Perhaps the most life-giving action I can take is to enter into the world of people who think differently from me on political issues. Learn to love those who voted differently from oneself by understanding them better.

4. Lessons learned from pruning paper:  plus Strategies:
a. One thing leads to another.
b. Uncovering history can be a sacred experience in seeing the categories of our lives evolve.
c. Most everything takes longer than anticipated.

5. Media Literacy: It’s going to be impossible to make good political decisions if we can’t even agree on what the facts are. A population that can be swayed by propaganda and biased news is being hacked even if the voting machines aren’t. Our minds are being played with. I think one of the most important steps to building a healthy democracy is to recognize false advertising.

6. Letting go of health: I don’t wish bad health or an accident on anyone – But wait! Maybe I do. Some lessons can only be learned the hard way. My broken arm has slowed me down, but has taught me a lot

7. Letting go of Anger: Let go of the anger against the person. Keep the outrage with evil.

8. Letting Go of Mistakes: We can’t go back and undo the past – we only learn from it to do better in the future. Mistakes are the tools of learning.

9. Letting Go of Being Right: Check for the flaws in my own position. Check for the truth in my adversary’s position.

10. Plastic Do’s & Don’ts: DO NOT put plastic bags in curbside recycling. Make a place.

11. Letting Go of Worry: Differentiate between productive worry and unproductive worry.

12. Wasting Time vs. Saving Time“Haste makes waste.” Cultivate patience. Make time to read, think, laugh, exercise, and pray. Slow down enough to be mindful of the people and places around me.

Bonus: Nature can be a window to the soul.

Tweet any of the above if you like.

   Click to enlarge

HANGING ON:
It was just one leaf – but it kept hanging on. That’s what I thought as I looked outside my bedroom window from Nov. 21 to Dec. 5. As I sat in my prayer space during those two weeks, I kept pondering the spunk of this lonely leaf (see the middle of our neighbor’s window). I thought about the trials of this political year and how caring for the common good can be tiring and frustrating. Yet, like the leaf, we hang on. We continue to go to meetings, call our congressional representatives, donate to worthy causes, and give a hand to those in need.

CONTEMPLATING:
And then, on December 6, it was gone. I knew the leaf would eventually fall to the earth and become part of the ongoing cycle of life…But it gave me hope to see that it kept trying to stay connected. So my prayer turned to pondering my aging body and when would I die? And what would happen to the essence of my being after I died? Is there really an afterlife? Is there really a God? Or is this just a myth that helps people deal with the trials of life? Hmmm.

And then the birds came. Male cardinals – in their bright red plumage. Five of them flitted around the bare tree on Dec. 6. Cardinals are common in Kentucky. (It’s our state bird.) But five of them on one small dogwood tree at the same time. That was unusual. Maybe I noticed them that day because the tree was so bare. Then I started noticing the squirrels scampering across the wires. It always seems miraculous that they don’t fall. So my thoughts were pulled out of the depths of desolation and uncertainty to hope, the web of life, and the wonder of creation. I have no proof that there is an afterlife, but I have this intuitive sense that there are cycles to life and maybe it is more about being transformed and living through the next generation. I don’t know, but I can believe, and that shapes how I spend my days and hang on today.

 LETTING GO:
And then there were the boxes of loose photos – approximately 1,500 photos stored neatly under a window bench. They lived in the land between conscientiously organizing them into photo albums and the digital era (1994 – 2004 for us). I discovered them because I was searching for some memento photos for a friend who was moving out of town. This started me on a compulsive roll. I decided to prune the obvious duplicates and poor quality photos. (See pile).

PASSING IT ON:
Then another insight – Hey, the kids will be coming home for Christmas soon, This could serve the dual purpose of reminiscing together and passing some photos on to them. I would then feel free to pitch the rest. It could be a way to say farewell to the old year and welcome the new – sort of a family bonding and purging time. (I’m writing this before the kids arrive so they may just chalk this up to one more of Mom’s corny ideas. Meanwhile, some of you might want to try the photo review yourselves – either this New Years or on some other family occasion.

LESSON:
Be mindful. Hanging on for awhile can be virtuous, but eventually we need to let go of the non-essentials to see more clearly and nurture the ongoing life around us. Nature can be a window to the soul.

BONUS:
Check out the ritual I created for letting go of Memorabilia: Letting Go Of a Symbol – Internalizing the Memory

 

Living lightly is not only a matter of reducing material possessions but also not crowding my time with trivia. By virtue of my personality, I enjoy the challenge of saving time. Sometimes this means doing things faster or multitasking. Of course there are pros and cons to speed and efficiency. It takes time to play, pray, and nurture relationships but appreciating people, beauty, and life are important. It’s tricky to find a good balance. As we prepare for Christmas gatherings, may we use our time well, saving time for relationships is not wasteful.

My own family dug into this challenge of saving vs wasting time at our December family conference call. I asked, “What practices save you time and what practices waste your time?”

  • Daughter: Waste – researching things to buy on the internet.
  • Me: Waste – Facebook, waiting (in lines or for tech support), looking for lost stuff, shopping, computer glitches). Save – multitasking (organize my files, GPS, googling information)
  • Husband: Waste – napping, BUT Save – getting up early because I can nap during the day
  • Son #3: Waste – video games. Save – skipping breakfast
  • Son #1: Save – buying groceries online. Waste – when online vendor makes a mistake
  • Son #2: Save – playing video games (by interspersing something that is relaxing with doing work, I’m more efficient at my work, which saves me time in the long run.) Waste – sleep. I hate sleeping. It wastes too much of each day.

This conversation heightened my awareness of time wasters/savers that occurred during the next 2 weeks. For example:
TIME WASTERS came in several categories:

  • Stupid Mistakes – I didn’t realize that putting soybeans in a plastic container in the microwave for 15 minutes would burn the soybeans and melt the plastic. Click to enlarge photos.
  • Unavoidable delays – Booking a trip to India took about 20 minutes of human contact and 2+ hours of intermittent time on hold. It’s a long story. 🙁
  • Unproductive time
    – Accidents. My car was rear-ended. It wasn’t my fault but it still took a lot of time to deal with insurance companies and the repair shop. I hadn’t scheduled an accident into my week.
    – Researching purchases: I needed new fitted sheets for my twin mattresses plus I wanted a contour rug to fit around our toilet. We have very usable but older twin mattresses, but,  manufacturers have gone to thicker mattresses and thus deep pocket sheets. Also our 30 year old toilet base is too large for the contour toilet rugs. After spending about 5 hours visiting stores and searching online I came up smarter but empty handed.

TIME SAVERS:

  • Reduce phone calls: The National Do Not Call Registry blocks many calls but does not apply to charities, political calls, and surveys. To block other landline calls just wait for the dial tone, Dial 1160, and follow the instructions.
  • Reduce email: Since I sign a lot of online petitions, I also get on too many political email lists. Gmail conveniently puts these in the Promotional tab but too quickly that can add up to 1000 emails. I periodically unsubscribe to all but the most vital ones to me.
  • Reduce Facebook posts: I like to keep abreast of family, friends, and causes on Facebook, but it can become a time hog. I block all ads and recipes. I also use Social Fixer to filter phrases like Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Mother’s Day.
  • Multi-tasking: Use phone hold time to check emails and Facebook Use exercise and walking time to listen to podcasts or radio. Use TV time to fold laundry. Use time waiting in lines to pray for the people around me or meditate rather than fuming.

LESSONS LEARNED:
1. The old maxim, “Haste makes waste” is true.
2. Since I can’t control the world or avoid all accidents, cultivate patience and perspective.
3. Sometimes saving time isn’t worth it. Make time to read, think, laugh, exercise, and pray.
4. Slow down enough to be mindful of the people and places around me.
5. Don’t lose stuff. Easier said than done. Having less stuff makes what I do have easier to keep track of. Organizing stuff takes time but makes it easier to find later. Being conscious of my movements can help, but who is always totally present to the moment? Bottom line: Chill!

I’ve been writing this blog since 2010 and over these 7 years have explored many angles of voluntary simplicity (material, emotional, spiritual, and technological). The question I keep coming back to is: How much is enough?How much is too much?

  1. On the material level I realize that there is a point where more possessions don’t bring more happiness but rather clutter my living space and crowd my time.
  2. On an emotional level I’ve come to understand that there are attitudes like wanting to be in control or to be right and emotions like anger or worry that bring stress to my life.
  3. On the spiritual level it’s grounded in
    -Give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that I need. (Proverbs 30:7-9)
    -The one who had much did not have too much, and the one who had little did not have too little. (2 Cor 8:15)
  4. On the technological level I continue to struggle with which gadgets (internet, phone, TV…) bring me needed information and comfort and which distract me from the person in front of me.

I’ll never come to the perfect answer to my question of “enough” nor do I pretend to give you the answer. Perhaps the “answer” is to continue to face the struggle and question my purchases, thoughts, and actions.

In the spirit of just having finished Thanksgiving and preparing for Christmas 2017, I offer you some videos to enjoy in the hope that they will continue to challenge your life decisions.

  1. Vicki Robins about Your Money Or Your Life. This 27 minute Upon Reflection interview is old, but it’s a classic and still rings true (except for the 1998 family income statistics).
  2. Graham Hill’s 5 minute Ted Talk, Less Stuff, More Happiness,
  3. Jerry Iversen’s even shorter (2 minute) introduction to Simple Living Works. (You can go on to the follow-up talks if you want.)

Watch one or all before you dig too deeply into your holiday shopping.

Personal note: Over the years my own family has experimented with various Christmas gift giving policies. Some years we give a gift to everyone, some years we’ve picked names, one year we agreed not to buy anything in a store (i.e. home made gifts, experiences, etc.) This felt virtuous but took a lot of time. This year we decided to not exchange gifts (except for the children).  Our thinking is that we will feel less burdened and hectic before Christmas and enjoy each other’s company, games, and food when we all get together. We’ll see how it goes.

Recently our daughter moved to a new city. Many of her belongings stored at her previous home in Africa would take at least 3 months to arrive in Washington, DC. She thought she would help me out with my ongoing disbursal of extra household items by taking a few things from our home. She really only wanted “trash” – stuff that I didn’t need but that she could use temporarily until her own stuff arrived.

Her requests: several mugs, a hand mixer, towels, and a blanket. And, oh yes, remember that elegant chinchilla stole that Nana passed down to her but she didn’t want to take to Africa. Now she might have a use for it. It’s a keeper.

These were easy requests. I still had a few extra mugs, towels, blankets, and one hand mixer that worked most of the time. Her plan was to pass these things on to others once her own supplies arrived. She figured she was doing me a favor by giving me an opportunity to further clear out extra stuff. She was right. The nice thing is that she understood the value of passing things on and not buying unnecessary duplicates. I can’t imagine having an occasion to wear a chinchilla stole anyway. 🙂

Other temporary gifts that sometimes come my way are trinkets, favors, and similar swag that you might get at meetings. If I can’t pass it on to someone who needs it, I keep a basket of such stuff for visiting kids and invite them to “pick a treat.” The only problem is that I fear I might be helping them develop a habit of accumulating useless stuff. What do you do with swag you don’t need or want?

When a crisis or catastrophe strikes, people are often motivated to be generous. Floods, hurricanes, fires, accidents, etc. are hard on the victims but they often bring out the best in those who are in a position to help. Maybe this is the easy side of letting go because it’s clear that someone else needs something more than I do. This happened to me recently on several occasions.

The guitar: A music studio in my area was flooded and a lot of their instruments were warped. They put out a call for help. I had an old guitar in our basement that our kids had used as a beginner guitar. It wasn’t great but it was good enough for the young students of this studio to have a starter guitar to learn on.

The suitcase: Similarly, I saw a notice that a women’s homeless shelter in my city could use suitcases. When a woman is ready to leave the shelter they often need a suitcase to carry their miscellaneous clothes and possessions. I had just gotten a new suitcase and was happy to take my older one to the shelter.

The band jacket. This one was not the result of any obvious adversity, but as I was on a roll with taking things out of closets, I found our daughter’s high-school band jacket. It wasn’t a particularly warm jacket so it wouldn’t do a homeless person a lot of good, but still, it made no sense to trash a perfectly useable jacket. I called the school and they said they’d be happy to have it since some of the band members might not have the money for a new jacket.

These were easy decisions that felt good. It may not be the height of virtue but it did take the mindfulness of paying attention to needs in my community and taking a little time to make the connection. Sometimes giving is painful because we fear we might need it later. Other times it just seems natural and obvious. What has been easy for you to give away? What has been hard?

I thought I was finished with my “Letting Go of various emotions” series, but my husband gently reminded me recently that maybe I need to worry less. After resisting my automatic response of  “Well, I have to worry for both of us.” I realized that there was some truth in his comment.

The incident that prompted this exchange was that on a recent long, arduous hike in the Canadian Rockies, near the end I said something like, “I wonder if I’m going to need knee or ankle replacement surgery.” Although I wasn’t ready to call the doctor, I suppose I was super sensitive since I was still recuperating from my broken arm surgery. My legs started to feel more normal once we got back on level ground, but his comment stuck with me. Yes, I do worry more than he does and probably more than is good for me. This started me thinking about how I deal with worries and how to let go of unnecessary ones.

Upon some personal reflection and listening to some podcasts on dealing with emotional stress, I realized that there are two basic kinds of worry:

1. PRODUCTIVE WORRY. These are the worries that I might be able to do something about. Thus, worry can motivate taking an action that is preventive or a solution. Response: ACT.

  • If I’m worried about a health issue, I can read up on it, consult my doctor, take a medication, etc.
  • If it’s a world problem like poverty, war, racism, I can join an organization that works on this issue. I can become politically active.
  • If it’s a serious worry about one of my kids, I can talk to them about it, although this gets dicey with adult children.
  • I can sleep on it. Sometimes a resolution will evolve by morning – or at least it doesn’t feel so urgent.

2. NON-PRODUCTIVE WORRY. These are the worries that I can’t do anything about like the dark, being in a plane crash, people not liking me, dying… often the kind of things that keep you awake at night. Response: LET IT GO. But how? The following are strategies that usually work for me:

  • Prayer or Meditation. If I can’t physically do something to fix the worry, taking it to prayer, turning it over to a higher power, then putting it out of mind helps. Of course focusing on the worry, even in prayer, can be the opposite of letting it go, so it’s helpful to find something else to focus on. So…
  • Substitution. Focusing on another thought or practice like my breathing or body in general helps me. Others find a soothing practice like yoga or an active practice like running helps. Although I’m not usually a fan of repetitive prayers, if I can’t sleep at night, saying the rosary works for me.
  • Put it in Perspective. If my mind is too consumed with the worry for substitution to work, I can sometimes talk myself out of non-productive worry by reminding myself that things could be worse. When I’ve had a car accident, I remember that I wasn’t hurt. When I broke my arm, I remembered that I live in a country with ER rooms, orthopedic surgeons, and I have health insurance. When I do something really stupid and think people will laugh at me, I tell myself that in time this will be an interesting story to tell and after all it was just a stupid mistake not a mean spirited one. This isn’t the end of the world.
  • Focus on Gratitude. Calling to consciousness those many people and things that surround me that are good combines both substitution and perspective. My sanity prayer is:
    * I am alive,. (breathe deeply) but I will not always be.
    * I am loved, therefore, I don’t have to prove myself to others. It’s not all about me.
    * Who are the others that need my love today? Focus on who I can be present to today.

What helps you tame your worries? Please share in the comment section below.

Plastic items are light, easily cleaned, and often cheaper than cloth, wood, metal, or brick. Maybe the three pigs should have built their homes out of plastic. But, of course most plastics do not biodegrade easily or quickly which make them anathema to environmentalists like me. They can, however, be recycled.

Conscientious citizens already know the basics of recycling and responsible municipalities usually provide curbside recycling to make it easy. So, problem solved? Almost. Communities differ in what they accept in curbside recycling so contact your local government for details. Here are some plastic recycling basics for the recently committed recycler and some strategies for the faithful but tired ones.

BASICS:

  1. #1-#4 plastics; stacked compactly for photo

    Reduce or Reuse first. Recycling is the backup of the 3 Rs. Better to “precycle” by not buying as much, buying things that will last, reusing or repairing what you do have so that less needs to be recycled.

  2. Plastic bottles and jugs. Most curbside recyclers take plastic bottles and jugs (along with paper, glass, and cans). Good.
  3. #1-#4 plastics. Some curbside recycling companies won’t take #1-#4 unless it’s a bottle, The number in the triangle is irrelevant. It has to do with their recycling machines and who they can sell the plastic to. Stores like Whole Foods generally take #1-#4. (2020-2 update. Whole Foods no longer accepts #1-#7 plastics including #5’s. See blog post #202 for other ideas.)
  4. Don’t put curbside recyclables in a bag. The bag can gum up the recycling machinery.
  5. #5 plastics

    # 5 plastics. Yogurt and like tubs are typically #5 plastics. Curbside recycling companies almost never take #5s. Again Whole Foods will usually take them but the bins are often separated from the regular recycling bins.

  6. Plastic bags. DO NOT put plastic bags in curbside recycling. It gums up the recycling machines, thus nimble fingered human beings have to deftly pick the bags off the recycling treadmills. Almost all grocery stores have a place to deposit plastic bags. Even better, ask for paper bags. Better yet, bring your own reusable cloth bags. Even with reducing your own plastic bag consumption, you’ll probably end up with some plastic bags. For those of us who still get a print newspaper, you’re bound to have plastic wrappers – unless you have a dog. 😉

STRATEGIES:

  1. Make a place. Maybe you have good intentions of recycling but, hey, the recycling can is outside and it’s a cold day, or it creates such clutter in the house. Once you find a place and container (ideally near the kitchen) to put recyclables in, it makes turning an intention into a habit easier.
  2. bag of plastic bags

    Pack your car. We dutifully collect all the plastics that cannot go in curbside recycling and store them in the basement – where they stay for too long, because Whole Foods is not nearby. Now, once a bag is full of non-curbside plastics, we put it in the trunk of the car so we can drop them off when we’re in the neighborhood. Procrastination is minimized. Besides, who’s going to steal plastics bound for recycling?

    What strategies have you devised to improve your recycling?

Although I like to think that most often my opinions are right, I admit that my husband, Jim, is often more accurate about facts than I am. I might say, “Hey, there were about 50 people at the party.” Jim might say, “No, there were 46. I counted.” I chalk this up to different personality styles.

In this post, however, I will  not be dealing with these kinds of facts, nor job situations where there’s a chain of command and a verifiable right way to do something. Rather, I’d like to focus on human relationships and how the conviction that I am right can sometimes be counterproductive. It can keep me from seeing the whole truth and finding effective ways to convey my views to another. It can also make me obnoxious.

For example, in this contentious political season, I’ve been thinking a lot about how to talk with people who have a different idea of what is the right course for our country. (See Going Beyond My Bubble and Political Conversations posts). There are three possibilities:

  • I may be right. But convincing others of this may not be helpful. This applies to family relationships, friendships, and politics.
  • I may be wrong – at least occasionally. 😉
  • Both of us may have part of the truth.

As my thinking has matured on this subject, I’ve learned a lesson from Jake Sullivan’s interview with Charlie Rose (Aug. 10, 2017). To summarize this 54 minute video I now see the wisdom of

  1. Checking for the flaws in my own position. Even though I might think I’m mostly right, there may be parts of what I believe that are weak or could be challenged. Am I willing to change and improve my original position?
  2. Checking for the truth in my adversary’s position. Even if I think the other’s position is fatally flawed, there may be a kernel of truth in it. Otherwise, why would they hold it so strongly? Is there a need or a fear that they are trying to address?

Once this exploratory truth seeking task is done, several implementation steps occur to me.

  1. Exercise “Silence of Words.” (This terminology comes from the Marianist “System of Virtues.” It basically means “Shut up, pause, and listen.”) This intentional pause allows time to hear the other express their opinion and for me to show that I understand their position and respect them even though I may continue to disagree.
  2. Exercise “Mindfulness of Words.” This means I speak but not out of anger or desire to win the debate. After recognizing any basic truth or agreement I have with parts of the other’s position, I express my own position.
  3. Let your life speak. An alternative or addition to #4 is not to debate anything, but rather to let my actions show my values. If I want to combat racism, I treat all people with respect. If I want to reduce poverty, I spend my time and money supporting programs that lift people out of poverty. If I want to protect the environment, I myself reduce, reuse, and recycle, and then support the environmental movement.
  4. Be Mindful. This isn’t just about speaking carefully, but rather carrying a consciousness of others and the world around me as I go about my daily life. How is each person, animal, or thing I see or hear during the day drawing me out of myself to recognize a bigger truth, a sacred presence?

Some people need more self-discipline and organization in their lives. Some people need less. To those who like to be in control (like me) the challenge is to let go of micromanaging my life, other’s lives, and the world.

It is only relatively recently that I’ve recognized my love of control as a potential problem. Generally I think of myself as a reliable, organized person who makes plans, gets things done, and meets deadlines. This is good! It makes my life work more smoothly and others can rely on me. But then, in an instant, came “the fall.” Recovery from my broken arm has taken a lot of time and dependence on others. I had to give up control. All this got me to thinking about the bigger fantasy of being able to control the cosmos.

3 INSIGHTS

  1. Know Yourself – On a continuum of 1 – 10 do I tend more toward the obsessive-compulsive, over-controlling side or more toward the laissez-faire, chaos side?
  2. Balance: Being organized, planning, meeting deadlines, etc. is good, but it can be overdone. Since I know that this is a strength of mine, my challenge is to develop my spontaneous, being present to the moment, and acceptance of uncertainty side.
  3. Process vs Outcome: One sanity saver I learned in parenting is that I am responsible for the process I use in parenting my children – not the outcome. This keeps me from judging my self-worth based on the success or failure of my children. Now I need to apply this to other life tasks. For example, I diligently plan my public talks or meetings. BUT, I can’t control whether people will agree with what I say or apply it to their life. I can’t control whether a group will choose to act.

3 THINGS I CANNOT CONTROL

  1. Other People. I can try to persuade, inspire, or enforce consequences but we all have free will. I can carry a small child to his/her room for a time-out but I can’t guarantee the same bad behavior won’t happen again. I can’t control traffic that might make me late 🙁 .
  2. The World: I can’t personally prevent a nuclear war, devastating weather, world poverty…
  3. What Happens To Me: I can slip and fall through no fault of my own. A drunk driver can hit my car. A jealous co-worker could spread lies about me which result in my being fired.

3 THINGS I CAN CONTROL:

  1. The Way I Treat Other People: I can treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity, whether or not I think they deserve it.
  2. Taking Actions that Impact World Problems. Although I can’t dictate world peace, I can join organizations that work for peace, protecting the environment, reducing poverty, better race relations… I can become politically active since that is a way to make positive change beyond just individually recycling or giving food to a food pantry.
  3. My Time and Thoughts. If I take #2 seriously, it can quickly lead to over-commitment and stress. This is where the circle of seeking control can spiral out of control. I have found that it’s important to do something, but not everything. Prioritizing how to best use my time considering my talents, interests, and other obligations is the key.

Thoughts may be even harder to control than time since they are often prompted by feelings that rise up unbidden. The temptation is to feel overwhelmed and discouraged about mistakes or what’s yet to be done. For me, the following practices help me tame these negative temptations and be gentle with myself:

  • Developing a spiritual foundation (See Richard Rohr’s meditation, We Come to God by Doing It Wrong,  and the 5 minute video, Happiness Revealed for ideas.)
  • Being in community
  • Taking time to laugh (at myself and the fantasy that I can actually control the universe.)

After I broke my arm a couple months ago, I learned to do many things with my non-dominant (left) hand like eating, brushing my teeth, and wearing stretchier clothes that were easier to put on. I’m slowly returning to normal. But what is normal and the “right” way to do things? This got me thinking about how routines and the familiar make life easier. Being on auto pilot simplifies many of my daily tasks and frees up brain space for paying attention to traffic, focusing on difficult tasks, and even day dreaming. BUT, it can also keep me from stretching and learning new things.

For example:

  • When my kids gave me a smart phone for Christmas I was happy to enter the modern world, BUT it also meant my “phone” was no longer just for making calls but was a mini-computer. I’m still learning its finer points and I marvel at the speed with which others google stuff and keep much of their life on their phone while I still carry a bulky planner.
  • I recently rented a car for a trip. Now which side is the gas tank on? How do I switch the different lights on? How many miles are really left when the gas gauge says empty? How do I turn the AC on an off without having an accident?
  • I’m not good at finding my way to new locations. The GPS on my phone is a god-send – now that I know how to work it. It’s so much more comfortable, however, to take the same route to places that I know.
  • I wanted to post a prayer service to YouTube. I found directions on the internet but it presumed technical language that was unfamiliar to me. I defaulted to calling my son who walked me through it.

Of course there are more dramatic encounters with the unfamiliar that come with moving to a new home, a new city, learning a new language, traveling, getting a new computer, or deepening a childhood faith that may no longer satisfy a maturing mind.

The Nature of Change:
Change is often necessary. Change is good. Change is hard, but it does force us to grow.
At the same time, the familiar can be comforting and free one’s mind of information overload. Too much change, too quickly can strain one’s equilibrium.

Challenging the familiar:
There are also attitudinal changes that come from new information or experiences. Have you ever been challenged to let go of a long held belief or a stereotype? Our lifestyle or politics can sometimes give us tunnel vision as we surround ourselves with people who are like us. All That We Share is a 3 minute video that explores how we can expand our notion of familiar groupings. Enjoy!

Bottom line?
I think it’s a matter of seeking a balance between the growth that comes from stepping into the unfamiliar and the comfort that comes from holding on to the tried and true. Sometimes we have a choice. When change comes unbidden, allow yourself to grieve the loss of the familiar and then embrace the opportunity for the new. Comfort vs. Growth. They’re both good. For the record, I’m keeping my husband. He brings both comfort and growth.

What has helped you deal with change and unfamiliar circumstances?

In my blog about Letting Go of Anger, I suggested that part of letting go of anger against others includes letting go of anger at myself. Upon reflection, it wasn’t hard to make a list of things I’ve  messed up, regretted, or wished I could do over. Some are trivial, some are embarrassing, some are acts for which I need to ask forgiveness. Some recent ones that come to my mind are:

  • Overpaying for admission to the Ark Encounter in N. Kentucky. I misunderstood when the discount time started and paid more than I planned for our party of four. This wouldn’t be so bad for a worthy cause, but I didn’t want to support fake science with my dollars, I just wanted to indulge my curiosity.
  • On a more significant scale, my husband, Jim, and I have recently been bickering about whether I don’t listen well, especially since I too often am talking to him from another room and don’t always hear his answer. I maintain that he needs to speak more distinctly and say “Yes” or “No,” not something that sounds like “Nyeh.” It came to a head today. It’s humbling to be married, isn’t it? As long time lovers we don’t shy from letting each other know their faults. Fortunately, forgiveness heals.
  • Awhile ago I sent my Quarterly Blog Summary to part of a database that should have been only used for organizational communication. I was embarrassed by my mistake and realized that not everyone cares to know about “Living Lightly” just because we belong to the same organization. I tried to delete as many names as I knew, but it’s like trying to catch all the dandelion seeds/puffs when the wind blows.

Mistakes like these are not the end of the world, but they are humbling and can put a dent in one’s self-esteem. I suppose the solution is that when it involves another person to ask forgiveness; and when it’s just my own stupid mistake to forgive myself. Read Richard Rohr’s post on Forgiveness for a deeper understanding of forgiving self and others.

Whether it’s forgetting to recycle something that could have easily been recycled, criticizing someone, or breaking trust, we can’t go back and undo the past – we only learn from it to do better in the future. – Mistakes are the tools of learning.

Can there be such a thing as “Holy Anger”? Jesus’ message and actions were primarily grounded in love and mercy, BUT, scripture also tells us that Jesus drove the money changers out of the temple. (John 2:14-16) This is the conundrum I sometimes find myself in. How should I deal with my anger?

  • As a child I sometimes was angry at my brother. He was such a pest.
  • I’ve felt anger at colleagues or bosses who seemed to me to be a slave to the letter of the law rather than implementing its spirit.

Time has helped me let go of those angers but, in this never-ending political season it seems that there is an awful lot of anger going round on all sides of the political spectrum. My Lenten political conversations have helped me better understand the positions of those who have different political views from me. But I still cringe as I see the weakening of so many governmental policies that serve the common good, raise up the lowly, insure health care for all, and protect the environment. I feel angry.

My anger turns to those in leadership. While my political beliefs are no secret, I’ve been trying to separate my anger from the person. I remember a quote from Dr. Randy Pausch’s talk, The Last Lecture, “No one is pure evil.” So I start to look for the good in the politicians that I think are doing such damage to our country. The best I can do is to remember the spiritual nugget from my Catholic education – Hate the sin not the person. True as this is, it hasn’t helped me to fully let go of my anger.

After pondering and praying about how to let go of anger I’ve come to several insights. Perhaps they will be helpful to you no matter whom you might currently feel anger towards.

  1. Look for the Good. If “No one is pure evil” then look deeply for a smidgen of goodness or reasons for the objectionable actions you observe. Might there be physical or emotional hurts in the person’s past? Have they been a victim of injustice, had a childhood deprived of good models, suffered from mental illness? If nothing else, the anger might mellow into compassion.
  2. Reverse It. I’m not perfect either. There are probably people who are angry with me about hurts I’ve inflicted. In the process of accepting my own imperfections, I must extend the benefit of the doubt to the other.
  3. Hand the Negative Feelings over to God. This may sound overly pietistic, but sometimes, actively putting the other in God’s care can limit the inclination to whine, complain, and replay in my mind all the evil consequences from the actions of the person I feel mad at. Focus on “remaining in love.” (John 15:9)
  4. Keep the Outrage with Evil. Feelings of anger (just like feelings of fear) can be powerful motivators. Let go of the anger towards the person, but act on correcting the wrong. Ideally, we can be motivated by positive inspiration, but often, it’s the anger from seeing the harm and hurt that others experience that moves us to action.
  5. Don’t depend on the Government. Ideally, government can improve the common good more broadly and efficiently than individual philanthropy or small group actions. But if, for example, we cannot count on our government to protect the environment or provide health care for all, then it’s up to us – ordinary citizens – to band together and create structures that will provide opportunity and make life more fair for everyone. Indivisible is one organization that has risen up to meet this challenge. You may not agree with everything any political action group supports, but choose one or two causes that speak most to your heart and join with others to make a positive difference.

Bottom line? Let go of the anger against the person. Let your outrage with evil move you to ACT for the common good.

It was a normal morning and I was about to walk inside after checking the garden. Then it happened. I slipped on our rain soaked deck. Result: great pain, ER, x-rays, broken arm at elbow, surgery, hospitalization, continued pain. 12 days later; I’m now recovering. I’ve had plenty of down time to ponder what I’ve been learning about taking my health for granted and letting go of good health – at least for a time. This will be short because I can only type with my non-dominant left hand.

9 INSIGHTS & TIPS ABOUT LETTING GO OF HEALTH:

1. Physical (also emotional, mental, or spiritual) health trumps all other tasks I have to do.
2. Be grateful. This may sound like a contradiction, but after I let go of my pity party, it helped to put my accident into perspective.

  • Yes, this is painful and inconvenient; but not life threatening – others have terminal cancer, permanent disabilities, etc.
  • I live in a 1st world country – where there are ER’s, competent medical staff nearby, etc.
  • I have health insurance.
  • I have a support system (family, friends, community)

3. Depend on others. This can feel weak and embarrassing, but perhaps that’s a virtue I’m being called to at this moment.
4. What is really essential? Sometimes I (and perhaps other type A personalities) think we are indispensable. This has forced me to reevaluate what’s really important.
5. Learn some new things. For example, my husband, kids, and body have forced me to learn

  • “Sticky keys” – for making capital letters in emails
  • Media that I haven’t taken time for (movies, TV programs, pod casts, YouTube videos). I’m becoming more tuned in to pop culture thanks to our kids’ media recommendations.
  • Importance of bowel movements.

6. Be an advocate. I always thought I was a compassionate person, but now I identify more deeply with other’s pain, limitations, etc. Compassion is good, but ideally it moves us beyond identifying with another’s pain to helping to decrease or prevent it.
7. Learn to accept uncertainty in life. It beats trying to control the uncontrollable.
8. A window into the future;
I am living through this; but I won’t live forever. Will I be able to face death gracefully whenever it comes?
9. Let it be. It’s not all about me. I don’t have to save the world. I just have to be a decent me and love others. Whatever happens; it’ll be OK.

I don’t wish bad health or an accident on anyone – But wait! Maybe I do. Some lessons can only be learned the hard way. This has slowed me down, but it has taught me a lot.

I’m sure many readers have dealt with health challenges. Please share what you have learned.

Now that one office file cabinet is pretty much pruned and reorganized, I decided to tackle my two bookcases which hold work related books. I had a happy conundrum. Friends who were moving out of town offered me one of their bookcases. It matched my main bookcase in size and style so I was happy to take it. The problem is that I now had 10 shelves available to fill rather than just 8 (My second bookcase was a shorter one.) This seemed like an invitation to save everything plus possibly add some more books – certainly not the goal of a declutterer. So, how did I justify filling 2 more shelves? First I put the disintegrating old 3 shelf bookcase out for the trash. Then I needed to decide how to use my new space.
6 ORGANIZING PRINCIPLES:

  1. Position the books better. Some of the original books were crammed into fewer shelves by stacking extra books horizontally on top of the vertical books. Now I had space for each book to have its own proper space.
  2. Re-organize the books. I had five main categories of books – prayer, marriage, parenting, programs, and miscellaneous (peace, justice, simplicity, environment, and supplies like folders, notebooks, etc.) Now I had room to keep the main categories together so I could find stuff more easily.
  3. Remove duplicates. I found 4 duplicate books that I didn’t know I had. Now I have some to give away.
  4. Remove obsolete items. I realized that my Singapore son was storing an old boom box on one of the bookcases. I hadn’t pressed him to take it with him because it had this clever function of being able to copy tapes. Aha! I may be a baby boomer but even I realize that few songs are on tape these days and even fewer working boom boxes remain that can play tapes. He confirmed that I could take it to the E-waste recycling drive sponsored by Cohen Recycling. My husband added his failing laptop computer to my tech clean-up.
  5. Click to enlarge

    Let go of periodicals. This should have been a no brainer, but only by going through my piles from the emptied bookcase did I realize that I had 87 magazines. Most were dated from 2002-2011. I kept the 7 that contained articles that I had written (a few of them within the past year) and pitched the rest. These were quality magazines and many of the articles were probably worthwhile, but the odds of me finding a relevant article when I needed it were slim. I still get the periodicals but have been regularly recycling them when the next one arrives. Who knows why I kept the older ones? Maybe it was before I realized I’d never go back and read them again.

  6. Fill extra shelves with stored books, thus freeing up table space. Tables are meant to sit around or to hold frequently used items. BUT, I had one table that was mostly holding boxes of my books (and file boxes of my husband’s paper work). I’m not in charge of Jim’s supplies, but I felt good about emptying 3 boxes of my “books for sale” into my extra shelf space.

3 LIFE LESSONS

  1. It’s easier to find things. Periodically going through stuff I’ve had “forever” helped me recognize what’s changed in my profession, what’s no longer necessary, and to find what’s still relevant.
  2. The internet as storage space. As I let go of paper stuff (books, files, handouts, etc.) I kept asking myself: Is this already on my computer or in the cloud? If so, I don’t need to keep all the paper back-up. This presumes, of course, that I also have a logical, useful way of categorizing information on my computer.
  3. It’ll be easier on my kids. I’m not planning on dying soon, but one never knows. Having recently gone through my mother’s stuff after her death, I realize that sorting through another person’s memorabilia is a bitter-sweet experience. On one hand, the memories it evokes are precious and priceless. But on the other hand, a lot of the sorting is time-consuming and wasteful. The temptation is to just throw it all away.
    I’m still in the active working phase of my life so I still need reference books, outlines of talks, and professional resources. There will be a time for me to prune much more of the traces of my life, but I don’t want to save so much that the important stuff is thrown out with the trivial because it’s just too much to review.

I’m in a time warp. Easter was over 2 weeks ago but I’m still finishing up my Lenten resolve to prune my file cabinets. By Easter I had pruned 2 drawers of my first cabinet. (See here ) Once started, I was motivated to keep going. I have now finished the final 2 drawers of file cabinet #1 and continue to have insights about life and myself.

• TIME WAS MY ENEMY, BUT RAIN WAS MY FRIEND
I had planned to spend most of Saturday at the local Climate March but it was cancelled because of heavy rains. This meant that I had a free day plus it was too wet to work in the garden.

• DECIDING WHAT PAPER TO KEEP & WHAT TO PITCH

  1. Will I ever need this paper again? My default position was – Maybe. Therefore, I would keep the paper. BUT, I was in full pruning mode and committed to being realistic and making room for only important stuff and letting go of “just-in-case” papers. Practically speaking this meant wistfully remembering past temporary jobs and saving only documentation for tax, resume, or likely reference purposes.
  2. Is it obsolete or redundant? This is a sub-category of #1 since some documentation (like manuals or talk outlines) were important at the time but if it was over 5-10 years old, even if I was doing similar work, the information would need updating. Besides most recent work I’ve done is on my computer or available online.
    Similarly, I asked myself, “How many prayer services do I really need to save?” I had a humongous file of past prayers that were beautiful but I had multiple copies and others I had on my computer. Besides there were just too many to even find one that was appropriate for a given situation. It took a while, but I categorized the remaining ones. What good is an inspiring prayer if it’s buried with so many that I couldn’t find it?
  3. Technology trumps paper. As an author of 5 books and too many articles to count I found files of background material. Hey, this is not scientific research. The books are written. I don’t need to save the back-up surveys and early drafts. This prompted a reflection on the change that computers have brought. I had 2” of background material for an early book but only ¼” for my latest book. Computers save paper.
  4. Who cares? I found a copy of a letter I had sent Oprah Winfrey, offering to be a guest on her TV show to talk about one of my first books. Later publishers clued me in that it was naïve to presume that an unknown author would have a chance at a big name show. Letting go of pride is sometimes harder than paper.
  5. Become less picky. As I neared the end of a 4 hour stretch of categorizing and pruning, I became much freer to discard papers. Perhaps I hit a learning curve about what was worth saving, or perhaps it was just fatigue. After a while, stuff didn’t seem so important anymore.

• OUTDATED TECHNOLOGY
Does anyone remember “transparencies”? They were helpful visuals for the days before PowerPoint. I realized that even if the information was still valid, I doubt that any institution still had the equipment to project these plastic sheets. It wasn’t paper, but it was filed like paper.

The result of my weekend’s work was a 15” stack of paper to discard. This, combined with my Holy Week binge brings my total to 36” of paper to recycle.

BONUS RECYCLING TIP
On my way to recycling my paper, I found a box full of packing peanuts. Of course Styrofoam packing peanuts are rarely accepted  in curbside recycling but Click Here  to find out how to tell the difference between Styrofoam and biodegradable packing peanuts. Short answer: Just add water. If it dissolves, it’s biodegradable and can be composted.

Lent is over but my Lenten resolve is not. I had 2 goals:

  • TO CLEAR MY MIND OF THE POLITICAL FUNK that was crowding my spirit by trying to better understand those who have different political beliefs than mine and voted for Trump. I spent a lot of time during most of Lent conversing with Trump voters and believe I made progress in understanding their motivations. I restrained myself from entering into a debate mode since my goal was understanding not winning. A number of people, however, asked me how I would refute some of the claims that I disagreed with made by Trump supporters. I have now added what would have been some of my rebuttals had I been asked. Click here to read my revised blog post with my responses in red.
  • TO CLEAN OUT MY WORK FILES & SHELVES
    (see discarded paper photos at right)

Due to a two week trip to Korea and procrastination, it was Holy Week before I could seriously tackle pruning my file drawers. At first I considered this delay to be a failing on my part, but as I finally forced myself to go through my first file cabinet, I realized that it was becoming a very “holy” experience of reviewing my life over the past 35 years. (Some people come to this point through a move, job change, marriage/family change, or retirement. For me I just kept hanging on to papers, filing them neatly, until I no longer had space.) Following are 6 things I learned.

  1. IT WAS HARD TO GET STARTED.
    I had put this off because I knew it meant going through most file folders paper by paper and it would take a lot of time. What helped me get over the hump was:
    a. Guilt/Accountability. Lent was almost over and I had announced to you all that I was going to do this.
    b. Holy Week was timely because much of my work is with church related organizations which were busy with Holy Week liturgical stuff and thus I had fewer meetings. Holidays and Holy days are freer times for me.
    c. Just starting. Once I actually started, momentum started to take over. I committed to an hour the first day but ended up taking two hours since I was on a roll, experiencing progress, and had the afternoon free.
  2. IT WAS TIME CONSUMING.
    a. I ended up averaging 4 hours a day for 4 days. These 16 hours didn’t finish the job but merely got me through 2 file drawers of my first file cabinet. BUT, I now have a plan for the final 2 drawers. That leaves another file cabinet and numerous shelves to go.
    b. Eventually an organizing principle evolved that helped me see what new or different categories I needed and how to differentiate the major categories from minor ones by using labels and different colored folders. (I had enough folders left over from pruning that I didn’t need to buy anything.
  3. IT WAS WORTH IT.
    Going through files from several life stages and jobs gave me a perspective on my life.
    a. What had been worth the time? – Relationships that have endured; Memories of accomplishments and tasks finished
    b. What has changed over the years and no longer is necessary? – I easily pitched resources on helping parents guide their children through the internet and media from 20 years ago. Attitudes about sexuality (especially homosexuality) have changed both in me and in our culture.
    c. Somethings barely change – I found an article titled “The Growing Income Gap” dated 1996.
  4. THINGS FOUND BOTH VALUABLE AND TRIVIAL:
    a. Our wedding liturgy booklet
    b. Handouts that are still relevant for current talks I give. (They were always there, but buried so deep I didn’t know I had them.)
    c. A whole bunch of paper clips from papers I discarded.
  5. THINGS DISCARDED:
    a. Duplicates of agendas, outlines, notes, and rosters long past.
    b. Outdated resources or those that I have on my computer or can get on the internet.
    c. Almost 2 feet of paper stacks so far.
  6. BOTTOM LINE:
    I can now find things more easily. It makes me feel better. Now I can eat my Easter chocolates.

I still have 6 file drawers and 20 shelves to go. It may sound daunting but the fact that I started and have a plan for the future is motivating to me.
What strategies and techniques have helped you organize or review your life?

I’ve spent almost 4 weeks now listening to people with whom I disagree. That might sound like a depressing Lent, but my intention was to better understand people who have a different political stance than mine. This meant I had to find and talk with Trump voters. Since I, like many people, primarily associate with people who are like-minded, finding people outside of my own political bubble who were willing to have a deep conversation with me was the first challenge.

THE WHO: I met with 5 individuals plus 2 mixed composition groups
● All were decent, generous human beings
● I knew most of the people previously but wasn’t always sure of their politics until they responded to my request
● Most were Catholic or Christian but not all currently practiced a religion
● I decided not to interview any of my own family members lest it poison future interaction

THE PROCESS: I explained that my purpose was not to convert or persuade the other to my way of thinking but rather to understand why they voted for Trump. My questions:
● What values do you hold most dear? (I wanted to establish common ground if possible.) The common answers were: Family; To be a good, honest, caring person; Integrity
● What led you to vote for Trump?
● How do you see our government building the common good?
● What disappoints you (angers you) about the Democratic Party or its candidates?
● Does your faith impact your politics?
● Any ideas about the best way forward?

WHY TRUMP: Although this wasn’t a scientific study, the primary reasons most people gave are below. Since I didn’t want this to be a debate, I chose not to refute claims that I disagreed with or that I knew to be unsubstantiated. (Later, a number of people said that they would like to know what  responses I would have liked to make (but didn’t). I have thus recently added some of my thinking in red.)

  1. CHANGE – Washington is corrupt. Congress can’t get anything done. (Our government also gets a lot right, like the EPA protecting our environment, water, food, etc.)
  2. Trump is not a career politician. – This is related to #1 because many felt the reason Congress can’t get anything done was that they were beholden to lobbyists with money to get re-elected.
  3. Over-regulation –Many were entrepreneurs and government regulation made it harder for them to do business. (Regulation also protects us from dishonest or harmful practices.)
  4. Abortion –“I didn’t vote for Trump, I voted for the Supreme Court that would overturn Roe v Wade.” (The law does not force anyone to get an abortion. Better solutions are prevention, adoption, and/or helping women with the societal support to raise a child after birth.)
  5. Big government keeps people lazy. – “Welfare enables folks to just sit around on the couch, watch TV, and drink beer.” (I was once a welfare worker. It’s not this simple. Supporting strong family life, education, mental health services, etc. are the building blocks of a strong society. Some will always fall through the cracks. Are we there to give them a leg up or just to judge.)
  6. Why not! All had serious reservations about Trump as a person, but they overlooked his nasty personal life because:
    *He was a successful businessman who would take action. (He also had some bankruptcies.)
    *He was an outsider who could shake things up (“drain the swamp”) (Many of Trump’s appointments have little experience for their job and often have ties to a different exclusive swamp.)
    *Our system’s checks and balances would rein him in. (With both houses of Congress supporting him, extremely conservative appointments, and use of executive orders, where are the checks and balances?)

CONCLUSIONS: How this impacted me.

  1. Banish Stereotypes. Since I liked and respected all the people I talked with, these discussions helped banish some of the frequent stereotypes some of the left have of  many Trump supporters as uneducated, unintelligent, or selfish, (One was a medical doctor, many held responsible leadership positions.)
  2. Implementation. Our basic values were the same. We disagreed on how to accomplish our values. I certainly agreed that big money (i.e., Citizen’s United, paid lobbyists, etc.) unduly influence politicians and need to be cleaned up. However, I don’t see Trump as the change agent that will work for the common man and woman, especially those without power.
  3. Getting Heard. Although I could have refuted many of the statements that people stated as fact, I decided not to get into a debate. I wanted the person who was trusting me with their opinion to feel understood. My non-violent communication training has taught me that only AFTER a person feels understood is there any chance that they will actually be able to HEAR my position. Unfortunately, only one person asked to hear why I voted for Clinton.
  4. Style over Content. Repetition persuades some people that a statement is true. A “down home” approach can be appealing. When people feel left out, they are vulnerable and want to hear that someone will fix the “mess” even if it is a hollow promise.

The Media. The media that informed Trump voters’ opinions was heavily conservative and right leaning (Fox News, Drudge Report, cable TV). One person said she was looking for a credible news source so I offered that I listen to NPR and read the New York Times. Of course I believe that my news sources are credible, but I assume someone on the right would consider my sources as biased as I consider theirs. Since these were intelligent people, I presume confirmation bias would hinder either side from believing the other. For example, one person said, “The Democrats have been obstructing everything that Trump wants to do.” I broke my non-debate rule and replied, “And what about Mitch McConnell and the Republican obstructionism under Obama?”

NEXT STEPS
Media Literacy. Honest people of good will may disagree on how to best accomplish the common good. However, it’s going to be impossible to make good political decisions if we can’t even agree on what the facts are. A population that can be swayed by propaganda and biased news is being hacked even if the voting machines aren’t. Our minds are being played with. I think one of the most important steps to building a healthy democracy is not only a free press, but people who know how to recognize false advertising. This can be taught in schools like the Problems of Democracy class I had as a senior in high school. Adults need to learn how to be discerning consumers of the media. Democracy and Me is one helpful resource. The NPR article The Psychology of Fake News gives more in depth understanding.

Be an informed active citizen. I can’t change the world, but I can pick the causes that are most important to me and work on them. Right now for me, that’s health care and the environment.

Get to know and dialogue with people different from myself. If I only talk with people of my own race, class, age, and political position, I will be talking with myself. To come to decisions that will benefit the common good, we need to spend time with each other. To be fruitful, however, this step must go beyond one person’s listening to mutual sharing. My discussions fell short of the mutual sharing. Things I might have shared are in red.

This was a difficult post to write since I may open myself to criticism and I like to be liked and right. I do, however, welcome thoughtful, respectful responses. I’m still listening.

PS: Family Matters – Many people said that their children or other relatives did not agree with their politics, so I asked how they dealt with this. Some avoided the family member, but usually they just avoided the topic of politics. “We talk about sports or other fun, family things.”

PPS: If you’d like to have a conversation with someone of a different political belief, I just found a wonderful website called “Hi From The Other Side.”  It connects you with a person who voted differently from you with whom you can have a respectful dialogue. I’m trying it and highly recommend it.

Click here to listen to a 45 minute podcast I did with Jerry Iversen of Simple Living Works that goes into more depth on this topic.